balbsylog

Mga Palabas na Gawa ng Hapon at ang Pangarap na Maging Doctor

2010-02-21T10:18:00.000-08:00

Dati, ang lagi kong sagot sa tanong na "Anong gusto mong maging paglaki mo?" ay isang walang pag-aalinlangan na "Doktor!" Tingin ko ang sagot na ito ay normal lang kapag tinanong ang isang bata.

Pero unti-unti kong napansin na nahihilig ako sa Biology lalo na doon sa chapter na organ systems (I think chapter 7 yon sa libro namin nung elementary). Hanggang high school ay nanatili akong bibo sa subject na ito pati sa Advanced Biology. Dito ko unang nakilala ang mga katagang macrophage, dementia, at iba pang mga salita na paduduguin ang ilong mo kung hindi ka mahilig sa subject na ito.

Hanggang college ay pinaniwalaan ko ito kaya kumuha ako ng kursong Biology tapos BS Psychology. Dito ko naman nakilala ang mga terminolohiyang Wernicke's area at aphasia, phantom limbs, at paano mo malo-locate ang central sulcus para mamarkahan mo sa cerebral cortex ang primary motor cortex at primary somatosensory cortex. At pagkatapos kong mag-uwi at mag-dissect ng tatlong utak ng tao, dito ko nasabi na gusto kong maging neurologist or neurosurgeon.

Pero habang tumatagal, naisip ko na parang hindi ako puwedeng maging doktor. Mas na-realize ko ito nung magsimula akong maadik sa Japanese dramas.

Karamihan ng Japanese dramas na napanood ko ay tungkol sa medical field. At nung makita ko ang buhay nila, naisip ko na hindi kakayanin ng utak ko lahat ng impormasyon at magkaroon ng tamang judgment.

Heto ang ilan sa mga drama na nakita o napanood na napag-isip sa akin kung bakit ko naging pangarap maging doktor in the first place. Kasama rito ang konting background sa drama, ang scenario, procedure, at ang dahilan kung bakit malabo akong maging doktor.

Isa pa pala, mukhang magiging mahaba na naman ito (pagbigyan na at isang beses isang linggo lang naman ako mag-blog, :-j)

TEAM BATISTA NO EIKO
Translation: Team Batista's Glory

Kuwento: Isang grupo na kung tawagin ay Team Batista ang inimbestigahan dahil pagkaraan ng 27 successful Batista operations, nagkaroon sila ng 3 consecutive death cases. Ang grupo nila ay binubuo ng head cardiac surgeon (tingin ko cardiac surgeon siya malamang), first and second assistants, anesthesiologist, pathologist, nurse na in-charge sa surgical implements, at clinical technician na expert sa heart and lung machines. Ang tinitingnang mga dahilan ay malpractice, murder, or unfortunate death coincidences.

Procedure: Batista. Ito ay isa sa pinakamahirap na operasyon na puwedeng gawin ng
isang cardiac surgeon. Aalisin nito ang isang parte ng puso para mabawasan ang size tapos tatahiin. 60% lang ang survival rate dito at ito ang operasyon na ginagawa imbes na heart transplant.

Para kay Balbs: Sa kumplikado nito, sa tingin ko ay may mada-damage akong part na puwedeng maging dahilan ng pagkamatay ng pasyente. At pag nagkataon, magkakaroon lang ako ng malpractice case.

NURSE AOI

Kuwento: Ito ay tungkol kay Misora Aoi, isang nurse na nagtatrabaho noon sa isang kilalang ospital. Pero dahil may ginawa siya na against sa sabi ng doctor at dahil dito, natanggal siya at nalipat sa isang hindi maayos na ospital.

Scenario: Isang 50 plus na lalaki ang naaksidente at na-fracture ang binti. Masyadong maraming pasyente sa ospital kaya sabi ng doktor ay ilipat na lang yung pasyente (Yamada-san ang pangalan niya) sa ibang ospital dahil fracture lang naman. Habang naiipit sa traffic ang ambulansiyang sinasakyan nila, parang umubo yung pasyente. Tiningnan siya ni Aoi at nalaman niyang hindi humihinga ang pasyente. Tumawag siya sa doctor at sinabing gamitan niya ito ng defibrillator. Bumalik ang heart beat pero hindi stable at may weak na breathing sa right part ng lungs. Nang tingnan ng doktor sa x-ray, nakita nila na may kakaiba sa lungs nito at nag-iindicate ng tension pneumothorax. Ito ay ang kondisyon kung saan may na-trap na hangin sa pleural cavity at pinipigilan ang lungs sa pag-expand.

Procedure: Needle thoracostomy. Ito ang procedure kung saan tutusukan ng needle ang tamang parte ng affected chest area para makalabas yung trapped air at mabawasan ang pressure sa lungs. Kahit walang approval ng doktor, pinilit ni Aoi na gawin ang procedure. Naka-survive ang pasyente pero napaalis pa rin siya dahil sa violation.

Para kay Balbs: Hindi doktor si Aoi, pero kung ako ang doktor na gagawa ng ganitong procedure, either mapapalalim ang pagtusok ko ng needle sa sobrang nerbiyos o maling parte ng chest ang tutusukin ko.

JIN

Kuwento: Si Minakata Jin-sensei ay isang neurosurgeon na nag-time slip sa panahon ng Edo (ito ay ilang taon na ang nakalipas). Magaling siyang neurosurgeon pero ayaw na niyang mag-opera pagkatapos ma-comatose ang girlfriend niya dahil sa ginawa niyang operasyon. Pero isang gabi ay wala siyang magawa kundi operahin ang isang pasyente na naaksidente.

Scenario: Isang 30 plus na lalaki (I believe si Ryoma Sakamoto ang pasyente na nag-time slip naman sa kasalukuyan) ang naaksidente at nagkaroon ng brain hemorrhage (kung tama ang pagkakaalala ko). Sa resulta ng test, nakita nila na bukod sa hemorrhage ay may brain tumor pa ang pasyente.

Procedure: Craniotomy. Dito bubuksan ang ulo at skull ng pasyente para ma-extract ang dugo at tumor. Tatanggalin muna ang scalp or skin sa ulo para ma-expose ang skull. Sa pagkakaalala ko ay ginamitan niya ito ng procedure na cauterization o ang pagsunog ng isang body part para hindi dumugo ng sobra (o sa ibang pasyente niya ginawa yon). Pag na-expose na ang skull, bubuksan ito gamit ang power drill (kung titingnan niyo sa monitor ng picture na to, hawak ni Jin ang power drill at kasalukyang bubuksan ang skull).

Para kay Balbs: As usual, ninerbiyosin na naman ako at baka mapalalim ang pag-drill ko sa skull ng pasyente.

CODE BLUE

Kuwento: Apat na intern ang pumasok sa isang ospital para maging flight doctors. Dito, sasakay sila sa helicopter na kung tawagin ay Doctor Heli para makarating kaagad sa lugar ng mga aksidente, mabigyan ng lunas ang mga pasyente at isasakay sa helicopter para madala kaagad sa ospital. Sa tulong ng kanilang mga mentor at professional flight nurse na si Saejima-san, makikita nila Aizawa, Shiraishi, Hiyama, at Fujikawa-sensei ang iba't ibang uri ng medical cases at kung gaano kahalaga ang bawat segundo sa buhay ng pasyente

Scenario: Isang 30 plus na lalaki (Yokoyama-san) ang natuhog (wala na akong ibang term na maisip) sa isang bakal ay may 1.5 inches ang diameter pagkatapos sumabog ang isang equipment sa factory nila. Hindi matanggal nila Aizawa-sensei, Shiraishi-sensei, at Saejima-san ang pasyente dahil dudugo nang sobra yung sugat. Yung bakal ang nagsisilbing harang para hindi mag-hemorrhage ang pasyente. Pero nung nawawala na ang consciousness nung pasyente, wala na silang magawa kundi tumawag sa mentor nila at ang sinabing kailangang gamitan ng clamp ang aorta.

Procedure: Aorta clamping. Sa procedure na to, binuksan ng doktor ang dibdib (yata kung tama ang pagkakaalala ko) para makita ang aorta. Pagka-clamp, natanggal na nila ang pasyente sa bakal. Alam ko may ginawa pa silang procedure dito tapos dinala na ang pasyente sa ospital. Naka-survive ang pasyente.

Para kay Balbs: As usual, andon ulit yung tendency na magkamali at lumampas o mapalalim ang paghiwa dahil sa nerbiyos. At baka ikamatay ko kung hindi ko ma-clamp nang maayos ang aorta at dumugo ito nang husto. Baka hindi na ako makakilos at mas mauna pang mamatay sa pasyente. hahaha!

GYNE

Kuwento: Si Hiragi Nachi-sensei ay isang gynecologist na expert sa high risk delivery at mas maririnig siyang sumigaw ng Kaiser Grade A (Caesarean operation grade A). Para sa kanya, kailangan na mailigtas lahat ng pasyente kahit wala siyang masyadong pahinga. Pero nagkaroon siya ng malpractice lawsuit dahil sa isang pasyenteng namatay sa severe blood loss pagkatapos ang C-section. Pero hindi nila malaman kung ano ang dahilan. Habang naghihintay sa kanyang court date, naka-encounter siya ng isang emergency case.

Scenario: Isang 30 plus na babae (Hoshina-san) ang nagkaroon ng premature contraction at dinala sa ER. Kinabukasan, nakita ng intern ni Hiragi-sensei na may rashes at swelling sa labi ang pasyente hanggang sa ito ay maging dyspnic. Napagdesisyunan ng direktor na ipadala na yung pasyente sa emergency department pero parang hindi kumbinsido si Hiragi-sensei. Nung malapit nang ilabas ang pasyente, sinabi ng intern na naging hoarse ang boses ng pasyente. Nang marinig ito ni Hiragi-sensei, gumawa pa siya ng ilang checkup at sinabi niya na hindi anaphylaxis yon kundi Berinato-P (ewan ko kung mali lang ang pagkaka-sub nito pero nasa picture na ang ibig sabihin). Dinala na nila kaagad sa operating room ang babae. Kung natuloy sa ER ang pasyente, hindi maililigtas ang baby.

Para kay Balbs: Malamang hindi ko mapapansin ang huling sintomas na sinabi ng intern at hahayaan ko lang mapunta ang pasyente sa ER.

Sa parehong drama, yung ex-husband ni Hiragi-sensei na taga-Hematology department ay nagre-research in connection sa kaso ng bida na gynecologist.

Scenario: Isang 9 or 10 year old na batang babae ang dinala sa ER para matahi sugat dahil sa pagkakasaksak ng salamin. Pagkatapos tahiin sa ER, napansin ng doctor na hindi tumitigil ang pagdugo kahit natahi na. Dinala niya ngayon ang file ng pasyente kay Hiragi-sensei. Imposible raw na hemophilia kasi babae. Doon niya nalaman na anak nung namatay na pasyente yung batang nabigyan ng first aid sa ER. Naghanap siya ng sample na puwedeng i-test. Ang nakuhaan niya ng sample ay isang gynecologist din at sinabi niya ang teorya niya.

Medical case: Von Willebrand disease. Nasa baba na ang definition. Dito napatunayan na walang maling ginawa sa operation. Saka hindi rin daw madaling ma-detect ang problemang ito. Madalas, nade-detect lang ito dahil sa minor injuries o operation kung saan nagkakaroon ng major bleeding. Dito sa drama, na-detect na yung batang pasyente at yung baby ay may von Willebrand disease. Na-withdraw ang case kapalit ng treatment ng mga bata.

Para kay Balbs: Dito naman ako nagalingan sa lalaking Hiragi-sensei. Naisip niya yung case na yon. Kung ako, baka magpabaya lang ako at hindi ko rin makita ang case na ito.

Ang malaking tendency na ma-overlook ang details, nerbiyosa, at takot na magka-malpractice issue. Ito lang ang mga dahilan kung bakit parang hindi puwede sa akin ang maging doktor.

Teka, parang pinakita ko lang kung gaano talaga ako kaadik sa j-dorama ah. hehehe!

****i don't own the banner pics. drama banners from http://wiki.d-addicts.com/ and their official websites***
http://www.ntv.co.jp/gyne
fuji tv - for Code blue, Nurse Aoi and Team Batista
http://www.tbs.co.jp/jin2009

Starry, Starry, Sorry Night

2010-02-13T07:42:00.000-08:00

It has been my hobby to look at the night sky and watch Orion characterized by his belt and Betelgeuse as one of its brightest stars. As I watch it again tonight, I remember something about its story and what I’ve learn the other night.

By the way, let me just say that this is a long post…

Let's take a look at mythology.

Orion was a great hunter who battled with a scorpion. However, the great hunter lost. Zeus brought them to the skies to be constellations but were not seen at the same time.

I’ve known that when Orion is around, then Scorpio can’t be seen. When I searched for the reason, one version said that Artemis, who was also a great female hunter, asked Zeus to keep Orion protected from Scorpio. This is the reason why both of them are not seen at the same time.

But I’ve missed looking at Orion these past few nights. Tried to do my best at work but can’t do so because of one thing. I feel very angry to the point that I would really shut myself inside my room and look at the monitor with the cursor blinking.

I’m very angry about something.

I’m angry at myself because I can’t seem to forget about it.

I’m disappointed at how my prayer is not answered. All I pray is to forget it so the pain will not come back.

I know to myself that I have forgiven everyone involved in the event. I’m fine after it but after two days, the event crawls up to my conscious part and reminds me of all the pain. The tag team of Id and Ego winning over my Superego. Id, being the source of the need to be angry, and Ego, being a reality checker that reminds me “Hey, this incident happened.”

This made me turn my anti-social mode on to its highest state by not only staying inside my room but even shutting the door. Inside it, I would punch the wall at times and even at the verge of pounding my head on it just to forget. My life is full of negative energy even to the point of acting rudely in front of my housemates.

Being angry, I felt very exhausted and would sleep most of the time instead of working. I even rejected some jobs and turned off my Mr. Krabbs’ “Ooooh money!” mode.

Finally, after saying in words how negative I am in those days, I was struck when Auj said that I sound faithless. She then told me that we will confront the issue so the problem will be addressed properly.

She started to ask me about the source of my negativity over 2 bottles of beer and Marlboro lights menthol. I really can’t say anything about it as I’m not good in personal conversations where I will be the one to open up. She lectured me about lots of things as she waited for what I will say. After drinking half of my beer, I was finally able to spill it.

She told me that the issue had occurred a long time ago but why can’t I forget it. I told her that I’m okay after the event but the memory comes back after two days then I’ll be angry and feel again the pain. This is why I pray to forget anything.

Then she reminded me of a lot of things that night. I may not remember everything and the sequence but these are some of it:

First of all, are you praying for the right things? Or have you really forgiven everyone involved in it? Maybe you have not forgiven yet that’s why the pain is still present. If you have thrown something in the trash bin, you’ll not take it back right? Why not let go of it? You have to pray to God to open the eyes of your heart to forgive so the devil will not have its chance to enter it. Spend more praying to God. And if you feel exhausted because of your problem, then where is God in your life? You can’t face your problems alone so you would need Jesus to work with you. How can Jesus work if you have all these road blocks?

Another thing, remember that you are already redeemed. You know God already. Remember that God has forgiven you. Jesus even died on the cross for us.

You have all the resources. If you feel lonely or pain, watch funny things online until you become happy again. Or think about other difficult problems so your problem will not be highlighted. Did the incident cause someone to die in your family? Most of the time, the answer is just right in front of your eyes but you refuse to see it.

I think that summarize all the reminders I need to wake up plus these striking words:

Bago mo pa nga gawin, pinatawad ka na ng Diyos. Sinagot na nga niya ang panalangin mo. Mahiya ka naman!

Finally, I woke up from all the nega feelings that night. I somehow realized the scenario as what T. Norman Wright described to his book about “being Christ to each other.” I felt God’s words through her that night. And I hope that I can also be Christ-like to others at least in some ways as this is what God wants for us.

Orion and Scorpion were not friends but I can relate to them in a way. They cannot be seen together into the night sky but I don’t want that to happen with me and the others involved.

I don’t want to have ill feelings that may cause me to not to show up myself again.

I don’t want to remain bothered by the incident as they are not.

I don’t want them to be happy but I want to be happy as well.

Yes, what I need is to forgive them. Because we are all human beings.

Living under the same sky. Breathing the same air. Forgiven by the same Almighty God.

Uy, patented (yata) yan. Hahahah! Thanks girl for reminding me these things.

***Original constellation photos from:

http://www.cbpf.br/~gilvan/Images.html

Mga Pagod na Matang Ayaw Pumikit

2010-01-31T09:06:00.000-08:00

Alam ko kung gaano kahalaga ang pahinga sa bawat tao. Dito nagkakaroon ng pagkakataon ang ating katawan na muling maging kondisyon para sa mga darating pa na mga trabaho. Para sa iba, ito ang pagkakataon para mawala nang panandalian ang kanilang mga problema sa buhay at hindi muna ito pag-isipan.

Pero sa tingin ko ay iba ito para sa akin...

Ayokong makaramdam ng pagod. Ayokong bigyan ng pagkakataon ang aking sarili na magpahinga. Ayokong magpahinga.

Dahil sa tuwing ako ay magpapahinga ay ikaw ang unang dumadalaw sa aking isipan...

Mapapangiti ako sa umpisa...

Pero unti-unti ko siyang makikita... at ang kanyang mga mata.

Pagkatapos ay makikita kita sa kanyang mga mata...

At doon ko makikita na ang repleksiyon mo ay masaya... maligaya... punung-puno ng pagmamahal...

Pagmulat ng aking mga mata mula sa pag-idlip ay ang para akong tinarakan ng punyal sa dibdib. Muling itutuon ang aking sarili sa trabaho habang nakikinig ng mga palabas na likha ng mga Hapon. At muli ay makakalimutan kita... Pagkatapos ay hindi na ako iidlip...

Papagurin ko ang aking sarili sa katatrabaho hanggang sa makalimutan kita. Ito na ang pinakamagandang paraan kaysa pilitin kong magalit sa iyo para lang hindi na kita maalala...

Gaya ng ginagawa ko noon sa iba...

Ganbarimasu! (I'll do my best!)

*** photo from flickr.com

HINDI PUWEDE

2010-01-24T07:41:00.000-08:00

Heto ako at napapaisip sa kalagitnaan ng gabi...

Napapansin ko na sa dinami-dami ng mga taong aking minahal ay may isang sagot na patuloy sa na humaharap sa akin: HINDI PUWEDE.

Una, ang mahalin ang tao na hindi kayo magkasundo sa isang bagay. Kahit na sumang-ayon na kayo pareho ay mararamdaman mo na pinipilit pa rin ang gusto hanggang umabot sa puntong hindi ka na komportable. Hindi makuntento sa mga bagay na kaya ko lang ibigay sa panahong yon at wala nang iba.

HINDI PUWEDE. Nakahanap na siya ng iba.

Pangalawa, isang taong wala ka nang hahanapin pa. Sa itsura, sa pagkanta, sa talino, sa pagkamaginoo, sa hubog ng katawad. Pinagpalang nilalang talaga. Ang problema, kapwa rin ang gusto niya.

HINDI PUWEDE. May karelasyon na rin pala siya.

Pangatlo, isa sa mga taong nagpapasaya sa akin. Ang problema, may asawa na, may dalawang anak pa. Ang mas masakit, masaya siya sa asawa niya kahit na kung anu-anong problema pa ang sinasabi at reklamo niya sa buhay, ganon pa rin. Mahal niya pa rin. Ang mabuhay lang sa pag-ibig kahit na hirap na sa buhay. Pag-ibig nga talaga siguro.

HINDI PUWEDE. Sobrang kumplikado na.

Pang-apat, ang masasabing pinakamahal ko sa kanilang lahat pero hindi rin puwede. Committed na rin pala siya at mukhang masaya rin.

HINDI PUWEDE. Kaya ang masasabi ko lang para sa ikaapat ko na pag-ibig...

Ikaw, para sa akin, ay sumasalamin sa pag-ibig na gusto kong maangkin.
Pero masaya na ako na sa malayo'y ika'y tanawin.

Ngayon, sa patuloy na pagtakbo ng hangin kasabay ang mga ulap sa papawirin palalayain ko ang pag-ibig kong hindi mo naman napapansin.

Sa mga panahong ganito, masasabi ko na puro pagmamahal na walang kapalit ang aking nararamdaman. At minsan ako ay napapaisip, kailan kaya magkakaroon ito ng katugunan?

Pero ika nga, mas magandang marunong kang magmahal.

Sabi pa sa isang quote na sinalin ko sa Filipino:

"Mas nanaisin ko pang magkaroon ng matang walang paningin; mga tainga na walang pandinig; mga labing hindi makakausal ng salita, kaysa magkaroon ng pusong hindi marunong umibig."

Sa ngayon, kakalimutan ko na silang lahat at uubusin ko ang sarili ko sa pagtatrabaho para wala na akong maramdaman. At iisipin na ganon talaga...

May mga tao siguro na nilalang na hindi makakatiyempo ng romantikong pag-ibig na para sa kanila at ibaling na lang ito sa iba pang uri ng pag-ibig.

Viva Familia Lazaro!

2010-01-17T10:15:00.000-08:00

Sa wakas at nakapag-blog ulit ako. Just taking some time to relax before starting another set of tasks. Take note, this is relaxation without the alcohol. :D

Lumabas kami ni Papa para kumain kanina dahil walang pagkain sa bahay. Linggo at walang tinda sa karinderya. Pagdating ko, nakahanda na si Papa kaya umalis na kami kaagad para wag ding gabihin at ako ay makauwi agad at makapagtrabaho.

Sinabi ko kay Papa na susubukan naming ang lahat ng restaurant sa Cubao. Sumang-ayon is Papa. Maganda raw yung plano na yon. Sabi nga niya na pag dumarating na ang mga tao sa bahay, pinagmamalaki niya na dinadala ko raw siya sa iba’t ibang restaurant na high class. Naiinggit daw ang mga nasa bahay.

Natutuwa rin naman ako na proud siya sa ganon kasimpleng bagay na ginagawa ko. Pero napaisip ako kanina at muli kong naalala ang aking naging buhay sa loob ng nakaraang apat o tatlong taon.

Tatlo o apat na taon ang nakaraan, ako ay naglalakad sa UP na parang sinibasib ng depresyon. Patuloy na naglalakad nang walang patutunguhan sa buhay. Na para bang ang tanging daan lang ay ang pagpunta sa unibersidad at pag-uwi sa bahay. Kung ano ang meron, siya ang meron. Kung ano ang wala, wag mong asahang darating. Suot ang paboritong basketball shorts at paulit-ulit na t-shirt, naglalakad ako patungo sa unibersidad gamit ang Spartan na tsinelas na hindi mo man lang puwedeng itabi sa mga Havana or Hawaiianas ngayon.

Hanggang nakilala ko ang isang kaibigan. Auj Lazaro ang pangalan. Doon nag-umpisa ang lahat ng pagbabagong ni sa hinagap ay hindi ko alam na aking makakamtan.

Sa kalagitnaan ng aming pagkikuwentuhan, doon ko nalaman kung gaano kahalaga ang maging presentable sa harap ng iba. Kung paano na ang isang maayos na polo ay maaaring makakuha ng respeto mula sa isang tao kahit na sa unang impresyon lang. Kung ano ba ang ibig sabihin ng terminolohiyang “mabango sa paningin.” Kung paano ang sapatos ay pagmumukhain kang mas pormal at mas kaayaaya sa paningin ng komunidad.

Hindi nagtagal ay nakilala ko ang pamilya niya. Dito nagpatuloy ang marami pang pagkakataon na matututunan ko ang ilang katotohanan sa buhay. Mula kay Mamu ko nalaman kung gaano kahalaga ang pag-aalaga sa sarili. Dito ko naranasan ang paliguhan ng malinis na tubig na hindi lang luminis sa aking katawan kundi maging sa aking kalooban. Ang maranasan na gumamit ng mamahalin na body scrub at lotion na buong magdamag mananatili ang amoy sa balat. Akala ko nakita ko na lahat ng magaganda sa buhay. Bulag pala ako.

Sa pagtira ko sa kanilang bahay, doon ko nalaman na hindi lang fast food ang tanging puwedeng kainan. Mahalaga rin na kumain sa iba't ibang lugar para maranasan at malaman ang ino-offer nila. Wika nga ni Auj, para yang resume. Dumadagdag yan sa kaalaman na puwede mong magamit kapag may business meetings ka na. Kung pupunta kayo sa restaurant na yon kasama ang mga kausap mosa negosyo, puwede mong irekomenda ang pinakamasarap na selection sa menu nila.

At ang marami pang mahahalagang natutunan ko sa Pamamahay ng Pamilya Lazaro, laging mong tatandaan na lahat ng ito ay bigay ng Diyos na pinadaan lang sa atin. Na ang Diyos ay may nakalaan pang malaking pagpapala para sayo. Maglaan ng panahon para sa quiet time para marinig ang mga nais sabihin sayo ng Panginoon.

Kaya magpasahanggang ngayon, hindi ko maaaring makalimutan ang panahon na yon kung saan ako minarkahan ng pagbabago. Habang buhay kong pasasalamatan ang Panginoon sa araw na nakilala ko sila at buong buhay ko ring tatanawin na utang na loob at patuloy rin na magpapasalamat sa inyo sa lahat ng nangyari. At kung makakapag-blog man ako araw-araw, lagi kong itatala ang mga panahong yon.

Kaya para sa inyo, Viva Familia Lazaro!

And Then They Grew Mature... Finally!

2009-08-25T21:27:00.000-07:00

Click on this link - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNK6h1dfy2o

Try ulit natin sa English....

I visited Papa the other day as I have a reunion with high school friends in Cubao. At the same time, I was not able to contact the house recently because of my phone’s faulty battery. So I think it’s about time for me to visit him.

I arrived home and called my dad. He was in his room watching cinema FPJ. He opened the door carefully as our pet cat (whom we call “Halimaw na makulit”) is always on guard to escape the room. We cannot allow that to happen as she might get very dirty or lost. She’s our lucky charm so we have to take care of her.

He asked me to sit and watch cinema FPJ with him. Once I sat, he was looking for something in his biscuit container. He offered me Garlic-flavored SkyFlakes. We ate the crackers while the “Halimaw” never gets tired of doing her “kung fu moves” on my legs. Such a playful cat.

Later, he went out and came back looking for a plastic bag. He and his friend are going to drink beer since it’s “Alak-singko” (5:00 drinking session time) already. I watched for several minutes more then went out as well. Can’t bear the smell inside the room.
Outside, he asked me to drink half of his beer. I drank but very much controlled since I will still be drinking with friends later.

When I saw my dad, I found out that he matured a lot too. When the clock struck 6:00, he went back to his room. I asked why. He replied “it’s 6:00, I need to pray.” Then he walked towards his room.

The act left me smiling. It seems that as I have been daily entrusting my work to God, Papa himself has been entrusting our lives to Him. In this way, I can say that God is in between us already. In this way, we are not going to rely that much to each other but on God.

It was 7:00 so I prepared myself to meet my high school buds. I saw him crying when I was about to leave. I teased him to stop crying because of the song being played on the videoke. I went near him and while crying he told me “I was crying because I woke up the other night hearing your voice calling me. I was so damn worried about what’s happening to you. What’s hurting me is that you’re not here so I can’t do anything.”

This is the first time Papa told me about how he really feels. It made me teary-eyed too. How can be the two of us be so sensitive about this? I pat his shoulder and kissed his forehead, “Don’t worry about me. I’m always okay. I’m totally healthy and safe. Stop worrying as you might suffer from heart attack again.”

He nodded and just told me to take care as there are new snatchers in Cubao who may not know me anymore. They might snatch my wallet as I’m wearing formal clothes that night. I’ll be fine I told him.

While walking, I thought that I have to do a lot of things. Things that will make him happy during the last days of his life.

I’m not saying that he’s dying but at least not to make him deprived of things. If he wants to eat at his favorite restaurant then go. He wants a new laminator, then will buy it for him. He wants a new signboard for his business, then will have a tarpaulin sign made. If he wants to visit Rizal’s home in Calamba as a birthday present, then I will start looking online for directions.

As of now, I’m thinking of how to have daily communication with him. Maybe I will buy him a mobile phone and call him daily through Smart’s unlimited calling service for a month. That could be a good option instead of just buying a mobile phone for another person.

Everybody knows that I didn’t like my dad but I don’t want him to be like those other old people who were abandoned by their children. I don’t want him to end up on streets looking for something to eat. I think it’s about time for us to be close as he is already old.

Gambatte Papa!

And for you Bayantel agent who got my dad’s money yet did not process the phone installation, be sure that you used the money properly or else… Mark my word… or else…

The Two Faces of Balbs

2009-08-04T08:54:00.000-07:00

Matagal akong nanahimik, Ngayon ay muli akong nagbabalik upang ikuwento ang dalawang mukha ni Balbs.

Pag nakita mo si Balbs, masasabi mong:

- over confident to the point na nagiging mayabang.

- walang pakialam.

- hindi approachable.

- bully.

Pero ito sa likod nito, si Balbs ay:

- walang tiwala sa sarili at sa mga panahong nagkakaroon ay biglang mangyayari para muli itong pababain. Ang pinakademonyong madalas na tumatalo sa akin.

- concerned naman sa ibang tao.

- malalapitan naman.

- madaling ma-bully ng iba.

- mahina ang loob at matampuhin.

Sa lahat ng ito, ang mga sumusunod ang totoo:

- pinaniniwalaan ko na ang Diyos ang may bigay ng lahat at wala akong maipagmamalaki. Na maraming naghihintay sa hinaharap na unti-unti Niyang ginagawang katotohanan.

- siguradong nag-iisip yan 'pag nanahimik. madaling mapaisip ng mga bagay-bagay.

- madaling maniwala sa mga bagay-bagay puwera sa galing sa sarili.

Ngayon, pipilitin kong maniwala sa kung anong kaya kong gawin. Mahirap man pero kakayanin. Lalo na kung ang Diyos ang nagbigay ng galing na ito sa akin.

Kaya ang motto ko sa araw-araw:

Tatakau sono akuma uchigawa ni anata no seishin.

Hindi ako marunong mag-Hapones pero literal ko lang na isinalin mula sa pangungusap na Ingles:

Fight the devil inside your mind.

Mga Pasasalamat

2009-06-19T02:10:00.000-07:00

Ilang araw na ang nakalipas pero ngayon lang ako nakapag-post. May ay ilang post pa akong hindi nagawa dahil sa dami ng trabahong nakaatang.

Pero nais kong magpasalamat sa Diyos dahil ginusto niyang malalang ako dito sa mundo. Sa patuloy na pagmamahal at pag-iingat. Sa buhay. Sa mga pagpapala. Sa lahat ng mga taong nakapalibot sa akin.

Pangalawa, sa lahat ng mga nakaalalala sa aking kaarawan at bumati. Lalo na sayo girl na nanghimasok pa dito sa blog ko para lang magbigay ng regalo. Hehe. Hindi niyo lang alam kung gaano niyo ako pinasaya sa napakahalagang araw na yon.

Higit sa lahat, salamat L sa pagbati na iyong isinakto pagpatak ng alas-dose. Bagama't hindi kita nakasama sa aking kaarawan ay maligaya ako. Walang regalong makakapantay sa pagbati mo. Patuloy kitang mamahalin kahit tayo'y magkalayo. Hinding-hindi ka nawawala sa puso ko bagama't pinipilit kong maging bingi sa mga nangyayari sa buhay mo. Ang mahalaga na lang sa akin ay masaya ka...

Sa pamamagitan noon ay maligaya na rin ako.

Siyangapala, buhay pa rin ako kahit naabot ko na ang edad 25. Yeah! I survived! Dahil dito, iniaalay ko ang isang kanta sa aming jamming session nung birthday ko.

Perfect glissando, perfect tempo, stellar performance ala Jerry Lewis, perfect pang-aalaska. Wala na akong hahanapin pa.

Mantakin mo? Nawalan ako ng hiyang tumugtog?

Itutuloy ko pala ang aking nasimulan. Patuloy ninyong subaybayan hanggang sa ika-15 na araw.

Happy Birthday Girl!!

2009-06-15T10:25:00.000-07:00

Surprise!!!

If there is a will, there is a way..

I finally found the purpose of hacking your blog.

Eto gift ko sa'yo..

For all the hard work done and all the positive changes you have made for yourself..

You're the man..

..uhmm.. girl.. ewan ko din...

Cheers!

June Countdown Day 8: From AUP to UP

2009-06-14T10:12:00.000-07:00

Lakihan natin ang pagtalon papunta sa panahon ng aking kolehiyo.

Nag-aral ako sa Adventist University of the Philippines sa Cavite sa loob isang taon. Dati kasi akong Seventh-Day Adventist. Medyo nakakapanibago kasi nakadorm ako. Pito kami sa isang kuwarto at hindi pinapayagang umuwi linggo-linggo sa aming mga pamilya. Mga once a month lang daw puwede.

Naghysteria ako. Hindi puwede yon! Mamimiss ko ang mama ko. Kinausap ko si mama na gawan yon ng paraan or else mapapraning ako sa environment. Masyadong kailangan kong magpakabait.

Ito ang mga bagay na kailangan kong gawin na pagpapakabait:

Magsimba every Wednesday night for midweek service.
Magsimba every Friday night for vesper service.
Magsimba every Saturday morning for Sabbath School and Divine Worship.
Magsimba every Saturday afternoon for AY (Adventist Youth) service.

Wala akong magagawa non. Hindi ako puwedeng pumalag kasi ire-report ako sa mga dean. Dapat nasa simbahan lagi pag mga ganong araw. Titingnan ka sa room kung nandon ka.

Madali namang nasolusyonan kaya mayroon na akong nakahandang gate pass tuwing weekends. At pag umuuwi ako ay laging bumibili si mama, na nung mga panahong yon ay sumusundo sa akin, ng Jolibee at kinakain ko yung chicken sa bus in a cannibalistic manner dahil sa sobrang deprivation sa karne.

Sa buong pananatili ko sa dorm, ang pinakanahirapan ako ay kung paano pananatilihing malinis ang aking closet. Nakikita ko yung mga room mates ko na malilinis at organized ang mga closet samanatalang yung sa akin ay parang dinaanan ng isang batalyong bison sa sobrang gulo. Kaya kapag…

“Jo, may bulak ka ba diyan?”
“Oo.”
“Pahingi sana.”
“Sure, no prob.”
Tatayo na ako para kunin sa cabinet.
“Kung gusto mo ako na ang kumuha para di ka na bababa diyan sa bed mo.”
Nataranta at nagmamadaling bumaba sa second deck. "Ah, hindi na. Masyadong magulo ang closet ko.”

Haharangan ko yung pinto para di nila makita kung gano kagulo yung loob. Samantalang sila, puwedeng-puwedeng ibalandra ang closet sa sobrang ayos.

Bukod dito, nahirapan ako sa pagkain. Walang talagang karne. Puro gulay at yung produkto na kung tawagan ay vegemeat at gluten. Ito ay minasang arina na may gulay components daw na nagpapanggap na karne. Masarap naman kahit papaano depende sa luto. Ang pinakapaborito ko ay yung fried vegesausage. Masaya rin naman ako sa food sa AUP lalo na sa certified fresh milk nila don. Masarap pa rin kahit hindi lagyan ng asukal.

Naging maayos naman ang lahat. BS Biology ang course ko at handa akong maging doktor sa hinaharap. Masipag akong mag-recite sa klase. Pabibo effect. Pero yung mga sinasagot ko sa klase ay dahil sa stock knowledge at naririnig ko sa klase. Medyo tamad kasi akong mag-aral. Nasa dorm lang ako. Nakahiga. Nakikinig sa disc man. Kaya naman nagulat yung room mates ko. Nalaman nila na Dean's Lister ako kasi pumasok sa room namin yung dorm dean namin at sinasabi na papuntahan ko raw ang parents ko para sa recognition.

Nagsitumbling sila ngayon. "Teka!!! Di ka naman nag-aaral eh!"

Second semester. Nagugustuhan ko na sa AUP. Marami na rin kasi akong nakikilala don. Gamay ko na pati yung kung paano ako makaka-survive sa pagkain. Pag may pera, may kiosk na nagtitinda ng lutong Lucky Me pancit canton at pizza sa store. Pag wala, titiyagain ko ang aking meal card o mamili ng pancit canton sa mga rooms na nagtitinda ng palihim ng pancit canton at iinit sa tubig.

Natapos na ang second semester. Nagulat ako sa mga susunod na pangyayari. Sinabihan ako ni mama na kunin ko na raw yung sa UP at mag-transfer na.

Bakit? Sabi ko. Gusto ko na dito. Dito nalang ako. Pero mapilit siya.

Umiiyak ako sa kuwarto ko gabi-gabi na kung bakit kailangan pang lumipat? Ayoko nang magkaroon ng panibagong adjustment. Napapagod na ako. Kung alam ko lang, sana hindi na lang ako pumayag na mag-AUP. Pero wala akong magawa.

Ang mga sumunod na linggo ay naging panahon ng pagpunta-punta namin ni mama sa Cavite para asikasuhin ang mga clearance. Wala sa loob ko ang pag-aasikaso habang si mama ay excited.

Isang araw, may hinahanap sa aking isang papeles. Alam kong baka hanapin yon pero kinatamaran kong dalhin. Pinababalik nalang ako kapag dala ko na yon.

Na-upset si mama. Bakit daw di ko pa dinala lahat ng papeles para matapos na. Tumatagal daw ang proceso.

Nakaupo kami non sa may hagdan papunta sa gym. Bandang hapon na non. Hindi na nakakapaso ang init ng araw na dumadampi sa likod ko.

Sumagot na ako. Bakit ba kasi kailangang lumipat? Ayos na ako dito eh. May mga kaibigan na rin ako. Maayos naman ako sa klase. Bakit ba?

Katahimikan. Nakatutulilig na katahimikan.

Binasag ni mama ang katahimikan. At sa pagitan ng nababasag niyang boses ay sinabi niyang, “Buti sana kung wala akong sakit."

Hindi ko naintindihan kung ano ang gusto niyang sabihin. Napatingin ako sa kanya. Lumuluha siya.

Hindi ko kaya kapag nakita kong umiiyak si mama. Umiyak na ako 'wag lang siya. Parang nilalamukos ang puso ko nung mga sandaling yon.

Matiim ko siyang tinitigan. Nakita ko siya sa aking mga luha. Lumapit ako at niyapos siya.

Ang sumunod na araw ay naging panahon muli ng pag-aayos ng dokumento. Minadali ko ang pag-aayos nito para maka-transfer agad.

Natapos din ang lahat. Certified UP Psychology student na ako nung June ng 2002.

Napakasaya niya noon. Mas masaya pa nung nalaman niya na Dean's lister ako sa AUP.

Pagkaraan ng tatlong buwan, nagulat ako. Nalaman kong may sakit pala siya. Ovarian tumor.

Naalala ko yung sinabi niya sa AUP.

“Buti sana kung wala akong sakit."

May dinaramdam na yata siya noon. Ayaw lang sabihin.

May dinaramdam na pala, pinapahirapan ko pa. Pinilit kong gawin ang lahat para makabawi.

Pero kinulang ako sa panahon.

Kinuha na siya sa amin pagkaraan ng apat na buwan.

Masaklap pero realidad.

Ganon yata talaga.

Ang tanging magagawa ko para makabawi ay lumakad pasulong.

UPDATES:

Madalas naming nadadaanan ang AUP pag napupunta kami sa Tagaytay. Gumanda yung labas. Natatanaw ko pa rin yung upuan sa may gym kung saan kami naupo ni mama.

Wala na nga si mama pero maayos naman ang lahat. Hindi ako nakatapos pero tulad nga ng sinasabi at pinapaniwalaan ko na rin ngayon, socially constructed na lang ang diploma, Kaya ayos lang.

May grad pic naman ako eh. hehehe! :D

June Countdown Day 7: RMCHS and Friends

2009-06-14T07:44:00.000-07:00

Tumalon na tayo sa panahon nung nag-aaral na ako sa Ramon. Hindi ko masyadong na-enjoy ito puwera nalang nung sumali ako sa glee club o concert choir.

Pumasok ako sa choir bilang piyanista sana dahil estudyante ako ng choir master namin sa piano. Pero nung mga panahong iyon ay puro a capella ang mga required na kanta sa competitions so medyo wala akong silbi.

Para hindi ako maging idle, pinakanta ako bilang alto sa choir. At doon ko nalaman na kumakanta pala ako. At kaya ko palang maki-blend.

Maraming mga nakakatuwang pangyayari sa choir. Masaya naman basta walang mga isyu.

Dahil sa choir, nakilala ko ang ilan sa mga malalapit kong kaibigan.

Si Ching na soprano noon. Mabuting kaibigan. Kalog din. Madalas ko kasama ko siya sa flavor of the month list. Ibig sabihin nito ay listahan ng mga taong paboritong pagalitan ng choirmaster.

Si Ben, na kaklase ko nung second year, na mantakin mo yon? Bukod sa pogi eh magaling pala na tenor? Mataas ang boses at malinis kumanta. No wonder maraming babae ang nagkaka-crush sa kanya. (Oo ben aaminin ko, crush kita noon pero nagising na ako sa katotohanan =P). Yon nga lamang, medyo lapitin din ng salitang “basted” na hindi naman namin malaman kung bakit. Wala ka naman nang hahanapin pa. Siguro dahil mukha lang siyang masyadong mabait.

Ben at Ching (uy...love team. =P)

Denz, yung tipong kapag nakatalikod ka at narinig mong kumanta ng bass part ay aakalain mong napakalaking tao. Ganda ng boses na buo. But no. Siksik liit siya. Hindi ko lang makalimutan tong si Denz kasi crush ko ang dibdib nito noon. Minsang nasa bahay nila kami ay sinabi ko ito sa kanya. Nandiri siya at biglang nagtapis sa dibdib. Napatawa lang kaming lahat.

Si Solad, hindi mo akalain na kaedad namin. Mukhang bata kasi eh. Kamukha niya si Steve ng Blue’s Clues. Pero sa aming lahat, siya yung tinutukso naming pamilyadong lalaki. Panganay kasing anak tapos wala na rin ang mga magulang kaya sa kanya naiwan ang mga kapatid. Napakaresponsableng tao.

( screencap sa video)

Si Prima naman, magaling na soprano pero natatakot magtapon ng boses. Maganda ang blending nilang dalawa ni Ching sa kantang Waway. Minsan lang din siyang bumanat ng joke pero kapag humirit, legendary talaga. Parang yung bungad niya noon sa McDo Munoz. Sino raw ang kamukha niyang artista? Nagbiro kami. Anton diva? Hindi raw. Si Mahal? Hindi rin daw. “Nakakainis naman kayo guys eh! Sige na nga sasabihin ko nga! Si Gretchen Barretto.” Napamura kaming lahat. P*+@#% i#@!!!! Sabi naming lahat. Halos magbasag kami sa McDo at magsitumbling palabas. Diba winner? Sa ngayon, ang statement niyang yon ay nasa LNCC’s vault of legendary statements katulad ng mga salitang disinclude me, way-pon at hustle/hassel.

Bebang or Nica naman ay isang magaling na alto. Magaling sa tono at malakas din ang boses. Pinakanaalala ko siya nung nag-girls’ night out kami kasi nagalit yung tatay niya. Mayabang daw kasi kami. Paano nasabi? Kasi palasalita raw kami ng English. Nagtiyaga tuloy kaming uminom ng softdrinks sa isang shed malapit sa kanila. Hindi nakuntento, lumipat kami sa isang gas station at nagkuwentuhan habang kinakain ang dalang pagkain ni Ching.

Si Stephen naman ang nag-recommend sa akin ng Olay. Mega vain kasi itong taong to. Tingnan mo naman ang skin, sobrang kinis. In fairness, effective naman. Magaling ding kumanta at maggitara ang taong to. Makulit kasama at girl! Daming kuwento sa life. Magugulat ka nalang talaga girl!

(screencap din sa video)

Si Kuya Glenn naman ay naging ka-close naming pagkatapos naming magtapos ng high school. Makulit at palatawa. Wiling gamitin ang credit card niya para i-treat kami sa McDo! Sa ngayon, busy siya sa career at love life. May balak na rin yatang lumagay sa tahimik.

Sila ang ilan sa kakauti kong mga kaibigan.

Konti, pero piling-pili.

UPDATES:

Magkakaibigan pa rin kami at ngayon ay tinatawag na kaming LNCC. Pero ang huli naming pagkikita ay nung February pa. Malungkot lang kasi medyo may hindi pagkakaunawaang naganap between Ching at Ben pero siguradong maaayos din yon.

ihiwalay ang puti sa dekolor

Magulo pa rin kaming magkakausap... pero mukhang nagsi-mature na rin naman.

Mukha...

June Countdown Day 6: Exploring the Answer to Pio’s Question

2009-06-14T06:35:00.000-07:00

Kung nabasa ninyo ang comment ni Najua Scribbles sa Blogger account ko (for multiply pips: balbsy.blogspot.com) tungkol sa pagtatanong, sigurado akong nabasa niyo ang tanong ni Pio.
Ulitin natin kahit medyo nakakaasar na:

Pio: Tita Babs, bakit ka mataba?

Ito ang panahon para sagutin natin ang tanong na yan.

Kaming magkakamag-anak sa partido nila Mama ay talagang mga tabain. Kung makikita niyo kaming magpinsan, malaki talaga ang tendency na magsitaba kami. Unfair lang kasi nangyayari lang ito sa mga aming magpipinsan na mga babae.

Dahil nakikita ni Mama ang pattern, nag-impose siya ng pagbabago. Simula raw sa edad na siyete ay uumpisahan na niya akong diyetahin. Ito ay sa kadahilanang mahirap magpapayat at ang “katabaan genes” ay mukhang isang dominant trait sa aming mga kababaihan ng Familia Fabella.

Inumpisahan na nga akong diyetahin. Binabawasan ang supply ko ng gatas na siyang tanging kinakain o iniinom ko. Nung kumain na ako ng kanin, bawas din ang kanin. Mahigpit na isang tasa lang.

Mabilis na nakita ang resulta. Makikita sa mga picture ko noon na pumayat talaga ako. Natuwa ako sa resulta kasi kumunti ang nanunukso sa akin dahil sa bago kong figure.

Isang araw, nagkaroon ng check up sa school. Complete physical exam ba. Pagkatimbang sa akin ng doctor ay inabot niya sa akin ang report tapos may inabot na reseta. Ipabasa ko raw sa mga magulang ko pag-uwi.

Pinabasa ko nga pagsundo kay mama pagdating naming sa bahay. Na-curious si papa. Anong meron sabi niya?

Niresetahan si princess ng vitamins kasi underweight daw. Sagot ni mama.

Nag-hysteria si papa. Kulang sa timbang? Ikaw kasi pinagddiyeta mo pa! Ang bata-bata pa niyan.

Nanibago lang ang katawan niyan. Magiging tama rin ang timbang niya sa mga susunod na araw.
Kumalma si papa. Ako naman ay patuloy sa pagdidiyeta.

Ilang buwan pa ang lumipas, pinahatid ako isang araw ni mama sa school kasi abala siya sa paninda. Mamimili yata sa Quiapo. Nagpaalam na ako kina mama at papa tapos lumapit na ako sa maghahatid. Paghawak sa braso ko nung tagahatid, napabulalas siya. “Neng! Bakit ang payat-payat na ng braso mo? Grabe, sobrang payat mo na.”

Narinig yon ni papa. Pinalapit niya ako tapos hinawakan ang braso ko. Nagulat din siya. Hindi na raw katanggap-tanggap ang kapayatan ko. Nagpatawag si papa ng family conference. Hindi ako nakapasok ng klase. Si mama, hindi nakapamili. Yung tagahatid na lang ang pinapunta sa Quiapo.

Nakaupo kami noon sa harap ng trono ni papa. Ilabas mo na, sabi niya kay mama. Ang alin? Yung reseta, matigas na sagot ni papa. Bakit? Sabi ni mama. Paiinumin natin ng vitamins si princess at titigilan na rin ang diet-diet na yan.

Lumapad ang ngiti ko. More milk na ulit for me. Si mama naman ay talunan na inilabas ang reseta.

Nung araw ding yon ay pinainom ako ng vitamins at nagtagal yon. Ang epekto, lumakas nga akong kumain. Unti-unti akong bumalik sa dati kong pangangatawan.

Pero natuwa yata si papa sa sobrang gana kong kumain. Patuloy niya akong pinainom ng vitamins mula grade two hanggang grade six.

Yon na nga. Lumakas ako nang lumakas kumain. Tumaba nang tumaba. Pinatigil na akong uminom ng vitamins pero ang appetite ko, ganon pa rin. Mahirap nang tanggalin ang nakasanayan mong dami ng pagkain.

Kaya ngayon, heto na ang katawan ko. Mataba.

Kailangang maging determinado para makontrol ang tawag ng katawan na kumain nang marami. Dagdag disiplina para muling magkaroon ng resulta.

UPDATES:

Wala naming bago, mataba pa rin ako… ay teka, may pagbabago pala…

mas mataba pala ako ngayon. Hehe

BEFORE

AFTER

*Extra pa si scribbles*

At si papa? Tuwing dumadalaw ako sa kanya, ito na ang bungad sa akin.

“Ang taba-taba mo na. Bawas-bawasan mo nga ang pagkain at mag-ehersisyo ka. Palagi kang nakaupo eh.”

Tingnan mo nga naman ano? Lalong namumulat si papa sa katotohanan na mataba na ako. Linya na niya ang dating linya ni mama.

Haay… ang buhay nga naman…

***Answer from Flickr***

June Countdown Day 5: Balbs' Police Record

2009-06-06T08:28:00.000-07:00

Alam ko na lahat tayong nagtatrabaho ay hinihingan ng either NBI o police ckearance. Ilang beses na rin akong pumila para kumuha ng lahat ng clearance na yan. Mapa-NBI cleance, police clearance, court clearance, medical clearance at lahat na siguro na magpapatunay na isa kang malinis na tao.

Pero sa totoo, may isa akong record sa pulisya. Hindi na nga lang ganon kabigat pero meron.

Eight years old ako noon. Palahingi ako ng kung anu-anong mga bagay na binibigay naman. Sunod sa luho. Solong anak eh.

Para maturuan ako ni mama tungkol sa kahalagahan ng pera at kung gaano kahirap itong ipunin.

Yung nanay ko noon ay nagtitinda ng banana que at maruya sa bangketa ng EDSA. Vendor ba. Sinabihan niya ako na magtinda ng shorts sa tabi ng puwesto niya. Ang purpose non ay para matuto raw ako sa math kasi likas akong mahina sa subject na yon pero nung nagkaedad na ako ay naintindihan ko na ang purpose talaga non ay matuto akong wag maging masyadong palaturo ng mga gusto ko dahil mahirap ngang kitain ang pera.

Okay na. Maaga akong ginising ni mama isang araw ng Linggo para magtinda. Sinet-up na yung sako na paglalagyan ng shorts. Puting shorts na hindi ko na maalala kung magkano binebenta. Maayos naman ang takbo ng umaga. Pinatabi niya ako sa kanyang puwesto para 'pag may dumating na huli, madali niya akong matutulungang magligpit.

Nakita ako ng aking ninang ko na nagtitinda siya. Mahal na mahal ako non kaya naaliw nung makita akong nagtitinda. Nagsabi yung ninang, na nung mga panahong 'yon eh nagtitinda naman ng mga medyas sa bangketa, kay mama na kung puwede raw na doon naman daw ako magtinda sa tabi ng puwesto niya. Nagdalawang-isip ang nanay ko dahil sa posibilidad ng huli. Pero dahil ayaw namang mapahiya yung ninang ko, pumayag nalang siya. Saka kampante rin naman siya na hindi ako papabayaan.

Yon na nga, nakapuwesto na ako.

Pagkaraan ng isang oras, nangyari ang hindi ko inaasahan.

Nagkahuli nga.

Nagkakagulo ang lahat ng vendors sa EDSA. Kanya-kanyang kuha ng mga paninda. Kanya-kanyang takbo. Kanya-kanyang pakikipag-agawan ng mga nahuling paninda mula sa mga manghuhuli.

Nagulat ako nang sobra. Nagpalinga-linga ako. Hinanap ko yung ninang ko dahil hindi ko alam ang aking gagawin. Hindi ko siya nakita. Nagligpit na siya at hindi ko alam ang pinagtaguan.

Pero isa lang ang nakita ko. Ang mabilis na pagtakbo ng manghuhuli papunta sa akin. Ang humahagibis na pagkuha niya ng aking panindang mga short. Hindi ako nakakilos. Pinanood ko lang siya na tangayin ang aking paninda.

May opisyal na lumapit sa akin. "Sayo yung shorts? Nasaan ang magulang mo?"

Hindi ko sinagot yung opisyal. Nagmamadali akong tumakbo palayo. Patuloy na kumakabog ang dibdib ko. Anong sasabihin ko kay mama tungkol sa shorts? Punung-puno ng galit ang puso ko. Galit para sa mga manghuhuli na inaagrabyado ang mga marangal na namumuhay sa pamamagitan ng pagtitinda sa bangketa. Sa ninang ko na bigla akong kinalimutan. At higit sa lahat, sa mama ko na pinagtinda ako para lang matuto ng math.

Wala akong makita, basta nagtatatakbo ako. Hanggang sa bumangga ako sa kung ano. Malapad pero malambot. Pamilyar yung amoy.

Si mama pala. Sinalubong ako sa pagtakbo.

Doon na ako naiyak. Pinagsususuntok ko siya habang umiiyak. Niyakap niya ako nang mahigpit para tumigil. Humahagulgol akong inuwi sa bahay.

Asan daw yung shorts. Sa pagitan ng mga hikbi ay sinagot ko ang tanong niya. Na...hu...li. Nagulat siya. Ang ninang mo? Hindi ako nakasagot. Asan nga? Umiling ako sabay umiyak ulit.

Naasar din ang nanay ko kasi parang pinabayaan daw ako ng ninang ko. Akala lang ng nanay ko ay napaiyak lang ako dahil sa mga pangyayari. Mas malala pa raw pala.

Nakita ako ng tatay ko. Bakit daw ako umiiyak? Kinuwento ni mama ang mga pangyayari. Nagalit din. Sinisi si mama.

Pagkatapos ng sisihan, sama-sama kaming tatlo na nagpunta sa Presinto Diyes (10) sa may bandang Kamuning. Doon kasi dinadala ang mga nahuling paninda.

Pagdating sa presinto, lumapit si papa sa isang opisyal. Pagkakita ko sa opisyal, nagtago ako sa likod ni mama. Yon kasi yung opisyal na kumausap sa akin.

"O pare! Napadpad ka dito." Sabi ng opisyal.

"Kukunin namin yung nahuling paninda ng anak ko."

Nagulat yun opisyal. "Anak mo? Sino?"

Tinuro ako ng ni papa. Napakunot ang noo ng opisyal. Napailing. "A, naalala ko na. Pasensiya na pare. Kung alam ko lang na anak mo yan, hindi sana namin hinuli." Tumawag sa isang tauhan. "Hoy! Kunin mo nga yung mga shorts na puti. Sa kumpare ko yon."

Nilabas na nga yung shorts. Nagkamay sila ni papa. Sinabi pa ni papa sa opisyal, "Punta ka sa bahay mamaya, inom tayo." Tawanan silang dalawa.

Umuwi na kami sa bahay. Nandoon na ang mga short. Hindi na ako nagtinda pang muli.

Tumutulong pa rin ako sa pagtinda, pero doon na lang sa mismong bahay para siguradong hindi ako mahuli.

Pagkatapos ng insidenteng yon ay hindi na rin ako naging masyadong palaturo. Reward na lang pag nanguna sa klase. Nalaman ko ang kahalagahan ng pera. Ang mga vendor na hinuhuli para sa kaunting kita ang nagturo sa akin. Mga panindan nahuli na kapag kukunin na ay wala na dahil pinaghati-hatian na ng mga manghuhuli. Mga pinaghirapang puhunan na napupunta lang sa mga bibig ng mga mapang-abusong mga opisyal.

May mga bagay talaga na kailangang maranasan mo nang medyo marahas para lang siguradong tumatak sa ating mga isipan.

Hindi titigil hangga't hindi nasasaktan.

Hindi naman talaga ako nagka-record nang dahil lang don. Kakaiba lang yung pakiramdam na nahuli ka ng mga pulis.

UPDATES:

So far, malinis naman ang aking mga NBI records. Yon nga lang, medyo awkward sa result na "No Derogatory Record" ang aking pictures. Parang ganito lang:

Drug pusher lang diba? hehe!

June Countdown Day 4: When Balbs Started Asking Why

2009-06-04T18:31:00.000-07:00

Bilang bata, curious tayo. Marami tayong gustong malaman. At dahil diyan, nagtatanong tayo. Tinatanong natin ang ating mga magulang, guro at maski sino na kakilala natin.

Gustung-gusto ng nanay ko ang pagiging matanong ko noon. Ibig sabihin daw kasi non eh matalino ang bata.

Pero dahil sa aking kabataan, may mga tanong ako noon na hindi nasagot kaagad. Kinakailangan ko munang maghintay ng ilang taon bago ito tuluyang masagot.

Ito ang halimbawa ng mga tanong ko noon:

- Pagkatapos mapanood ang isang commercial sa tv.

Balbs (age 7): Ma, bakit yung mga batang yon, tinuturuan ng mga mommy nila sa assignment, bakit ako hindi mo tinuturuan?

Mama to Balbs (age 9): Kasi,
ano lang ang tinapos ko? Ano ang maituturo ko sa sayo? Mas matalino ka pa nga sa akin.

- Pagkatapos ulit mapanood ang isa pang commercial sa tv.

Balbs (age 7): Ma, bakit hindi tayo sabay nila papa sa pagkain sa mesa? Yung ibang bata, sabay-sabay sila ng family nila tapos nagpi-pray pa?

Mama to
Balbs (age 12): Hindi kasi maganda ang kabataan ng papa mo. Sa kanilang 11 na magkakapatid, siya lang ang hindi pinapasama sa hapag kasi bunso. Binibigyan lang siya ng pagkain sa isang sulok tapos lalapitan lang kapag manghihingi siya ng dagdag. Kaya yon, di siya sanay na kumakain ang pamilya na magkasama.

Lumapit ako kay Papa para makapagkuwentuhan kami.

Balbs (age 22) to Papa: Pa, hindi ka pala sinasama sa hapag non?

Papa: Oo eh. Maliit pa raw ako eh. Dito ko nga lang sa Maynila nalaman na isinasama pala ang mga bata sa pagkain.

Balbs: Pinapansin ka naman pag kainan?

Papa: Aabutan lang ako ng pagkain. Tapos magsasabi lang ako na gusto ko pa ng ulam o kanin, lalapitan naman ako ng nanay ko.

- Pagkatapos malaman ang tungkol sa half-brother niya.

Balbs (age 9): Ma, ba't di kayo nagkatuluyan ng daddy ni kuya?

Mama to Balbs (age 15): Kasi, yung auntie mo, ayaw don sa tatay ng kuya mo. Nung hinanap ako ng daddy niya, sinabi ng auntie mo na umuwi na raw ako sa probinsya at doon na mananatili. Umalis din tuloy siya nang di nakaklaro ang kondisyon ko.

Alam ko marami akong ibang tanong noon pero ang mga ito lang ang pinakanaalala ko.

Pero sa maraming katanungan ko noon, ito lang ang tanging nakakuha ng instant na sagot. Sa sobrang instant, hindi nakasakit sa akin.

Balbs (age 7): Ma, bakit ba kasi kailangan kong magpapayat? Bakit kailangan mo akong diyetahin?
Mama: Kasi mahihirapan kang magpapayat kapag tumanda ka na.

Well, you got it right mom! Hirap nga ako ngayon. XD

UPDATES:

Sa ngayon ay nagtatanong pa rin ako pero puro tungkol sa teknikal na bagay na lang gaya ng trabaho, et cetera. Madalang na lang yung pampersonal...

Puwera na lang kapag nakainom at nagkakalakas ng loob na magtanong.

Oh well, may pumalit na sa akin sa pagiging palatanong...

Si Father Pio

Nakakainis ang kakulitan pero you just can't resist the charms of this kid...

Kahit pa paborito niya akong asarin.

*Pio calling Balbs* Tita Babs, turuan mo nga akong gumawa ng boat.

Bye for now, we'll have a paper boat making session. XD

***google images***

June Countdown Day 3: The First and Only Day

2009-06-03T07:47:00.000-07:00

Magtagalog na nga lang tayo para mas masaya! Hehe!

Mahiyain ako. Totoo yon. Hindi lang siguro halata pero mahiyain ako.
Pero sa totoo lang, isa akong assertive na bata noon. Bibo sa klase. Palasagot sa klase. Palakaibigan.

Ipinasok ako ng nanay at tatay ko sa Victoria School Foundation na kaunting lakad lang mula sa aming bahay sa Cubao. Binilhan na ako ng nanay ko ng ilang set ng uniform at bayad na rin ang isang taon kong tuition fee na nagkakahalaga ng P3000 (taong 1990).

Unang araw ko sa klase. Hapon ang schedule ko so pinakain na ako, binihisan at sinuklay ang aking pang-vaseline commercial na buhok. Mahaba at straight na straight.
Hinatid na ako sa eskuwelahan. As usual, palasagot na naman ako sa klase. Walang sumasagot eh kaya ako na lang.

Bilang bata, makakakuha ka ng stamp na star kapag nakuha mo ang tamang sagot. Nakakuha ako ng star kaya masayang-masaya ako.

Recess nung sumaglit ako sa classroom. Sa aking paglalakad papunta sa aking upuan eh may humarang sa akin na isang kaklase at naganap ang hindi inaasahan ng isang bata na wala namang ginagawang masama.

Sinabunutan ako ng isang mahadera kong kaklase. Hindi tinigilan hangga’t hindi nagulo ang aking buhok.

Natakot ako. Napaiyak. Pero hindi ako makapagsumbong sa teacher namin. Ang ginawa ko, kinuha ko ang gamit ko at lumabas ako ng school kahit hindi pa tapos ang klase. Doon ko na
hinintay ang nanay ko.

Nagtaka ang nanay ko nung nakita niyang nasa labas ako. Hindi ako nagkuwento hangga’t makarating kami ng bahay. Doon niya nalaman. Nagalit siya pero ayoko ng gulo.

Hindi na ako pumasok mula noon. Hindi na rin ako naging palakaibigan. Hindi na rin na-refund ng nanay ko aking tuition fee.

Sa Quezon City SDA Elementary School ako ipinasok ng nanay ko. Sigurado raw na walang mang-aaway sa akin don. Hindi mahalaga kung malayo. Hindi alintana ang hirap sa pagsakay lalo na tuwing araw ng Lunes.

Gaano kahirap? Napakahirap. Sa puntong kailangan akong idaan ng nanay ko sa bintana ng jeep para lang makasakay. Oo, ganon kahirap.

Tapos, hindi na rin ako sumasagot sa klase. Puro sa written exams na lang ako bumabawi. Kahit anong pagkumbinse sa akin tuwing recitation, hindi pa rin ako pumapalag.

Yung nanay ko, lagi ring nasa school para walang mang-away sa akin.
Pero kinausap ng teachers yung nanay ko. Baka raw maging issue yung presence niya sa pag-excel sa klase.

Well, in the process, naiwanan din ako sa school. Pero hindi pa rin ako palasalita. And mama is always to the rescue pag may nang-aaway sa akin.

Hindi maganda ang pangyayaring ito. Hindi ako natuto na maging matatag kapag wala ang nanay ko. Kaya naman grabeng kawalan nung namatay siya.

Sa ngayon, tinatatagan ko ang loob ko sa bawat pagsubok na puwedeng makasalubong habang-daan. Walang mangyayari kung patuloy lang ako sa ganitong estado.

Handa na akong lumaban at umiyak nang palihim.

UPDATES:

Medyo dumadaldal na ako ngayon. Nagiging friendly na rin. Pero in general, loner pa rin.

At sayo na nanabunot sa akin, maaaring hindi mo na ako makikilala kasi mataba na ako ngayon. Pero kung sakaling mabasa mo ito, magkita tayo. Mag-usap tayo over coffee. Kuwentuhan lang. Let’s be friends.

*calls the toda boys “Oo, ise-set up ko to. Dapat nakaabang kayo kaagad ha? Kung sino ang kakamayan ko, sya yon.”*

Bwahahaha! XD

June Countdown Day 2: Lactose Intolerant? No! Just Carnivore

2009-06-02T07:49:00.000-07:00

Everybody knows that I love drinking milk. Aside from being sweet, it gives us the enough calcium that we need in order to make our bones and teeth strong. Being a good source of protein, this drink has been recommended by doctors, celebrities and parents nationwide.

However, the time came when I stopped drinking milk. Why? Did I become lactose intolerant? Nope. Let me tell you a story. I'm sure lots of my friends have already heard it but for the sake of those who don't and also for the sake of this countdown, I'll tell the story again.

As what I said on my previous post, my parents fed me S26 until I was 3 years old right? There is another story and trivia that I want to share. I am drinking milk not just a protein supplement but a whole day meal. Yup! Instead of eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I am eating breakfast milk, lunch milk, and dinner milk. No solid food. Just milk.

What if it’s a school day? What am I eating for lunch? Well, I have a jug with me filled with Milo and milk. That is my lunch.

My parents want me to eat rice just like any regular kid of my age (I was 7 years old that time) but they can’t do anything. Getting a lot of comment from their friends, my mom started to pray.

“Lord, as long as my child will start eating rice, I will give her any viand
that she wants. Even if it’s fried chicken daily. I don't care.”

When I turned 8, my parents were shocked because I already ate rice. They are so delighted that they bought me a whole Max’s chicken (which was a few walks away from our house) to be my viand. But they now have a new problem.

I’m already eating the skin and not the meat. But they can’t do anything. Or rather, they they refused to do anything. They are scared that I might stop eating rice if they stopped me. Oh well...

So that continued until I was in 6th grade. Eating chicken skins. My parents didn't force me to eat fruits and vegetables because of their fear.

This lead to a carnivore that I am now and carnivorism, which I'm trying to spread. And meat comes with fat. I am with Catfish Rita (Beauty Shop) in saying:

Fat is good!

Other's may find my diet very weird. Or they are asking why am I still alive.

Well, it's the protein and fat. haha!

UPDATES:

Meat still comprises my daily diet. However, there would be times that I would be forced to eat vegetables by my housemates... Peace friends!

A few times only... :D

June Countdown Day 1: In the Beginning...

2009-06-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

My birth is the first most significant event in my life. Let me give you some random facts about my birth.

I was born in June 1984 at Fabella Hospital. You may ask me if the owner of the hospital is our relative. I think so. And they were shocked because they are actually expecting a baby boy and so they prepared the name Victoriano. Well, I ended up to be Joanne Marie?

Anyway, I'm the only child of my father and the second child of my mom. After three miscarriages, they finally have me. They are very delighted even if I gave my mom a hard time. Weighing 9. something pounds, my mom really had to give her best to push me out. My skin color was fair then and I'm really chubby (well, I still am until now).

By the time when my mother and I were in the hospital, she had a major problem. This is because the hospital had an announcement that all babies weighing more than 7 pounds are supposed to have a urinalysis for something. If found positive, the baby will be left in the hospital for workup while the mother can recover at home. Being her beloved princess, my mom did something in order for me to be out of the hospital. She checked the room and look among her room mates the healthiest baby that she can find. When she found one, she asked for its urine and it was the sample that she gave to the med techs. The result: my mom was able to bring me with her back to our home.

While growing older, I learned from my dad that I had a complete set of baby furnishings before. From cabinets to cribs to toys, everything. I even have my own nanny since my mother was very busy with her business.

I asked my dad if the business was earning that much to buy all these things. Well, he said, not really, but it's okay. So where did he get all the funds to buy these stuff? He snickered and whispered to me the answer: I always bet on jai alai and I'm always winning.

Imagine? A product of gambling. Learning about this made me laugh and scratch my head.

Aside from the baby items, he said that they bought the most expensive milk of that time, which was S26. I had the chance to check this milk on the market and found out that the current price for the largest can is P1300. Wow, really expensive.

Yes it is expensive but my parents' act made the pediatrician and other friend doctors head ache. This is because I was already three years old but they are still giving me S26. They advised them that it's time to change my milk to something more appropriate and cheaper. So they shifted to Nido (I think they should have chosen Promil).

The reason for them to spend this much on me is because I'm their only child. Three miscarriages before me and three after was too much so they thought that I was really special so they just gave the best.

I ask my mom about the number of miscarriages. What might have caused this? She said that she was already old when she had her first pregnancy. The second reason is that she was too exhausted from working. And she told me another secret: I had another miscarriage when I was 40, I just kept it to myself. What???! She kept that good. I said, good thing you didn't lose me. She answered, almost. Our friend doctor just injected her a medication to avoid miscarriage. So why didn't you do that to the rest? I ask. I did, she sad. The problem was that I'm really old and the medication was not effective anymore.

At an early age, my parents already made it clear why they were giving me all the things that I want. But not to the point of me becoming a spoiled brat. I also got my share of smack, spank and other punishments. They were able to keep everything in a balanced state.

UPDATES:

I am still getting what I want from my dad except that I have to pay for it or else. See how everything changes when you grow up?

This is our mayor. The king of Cubao. Hehe

By the way, I'm not that baby in the picture. Just got it somewhere. Was not able to visit my dad and look for some baby pics.

Turning Over a New Leaf

2009-06-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

The month of May has been a pretty complicated month for me. Pretty depressing because the I was not able to do my work well and on time.

Work being passed late at night.

Not being able to focus on jobs.

Forgetting the schedules needed to be accomplished, forgetting where I placed the things that I need for work.

Being bothered by the thoughts of you again and again and again.

But I have been thinking...

Has the bargained wish set in? Then that's fine with me.

Today, I did something different. I tried to finish the work before 12 midnight. Didn't open facebook. And I am quite happy with the results.

The month of June will mark my 25th birthday. This is the month when I should be doing some major changes in my life. I'm still young, I know, but I'm not getting that younger. There is a great need for me to work hard in order to achieve my dreams.

Here is my "things to change" list:

Start focusing on work. As of now, I still don't have the money to have a consultation to know whether I have ADHD or not. So what I will do is to use B.F. Skinner's operant conditioning method in order to keep me focused on my work. I'm aiming to pass all my work early in the afternoon as much as possible.

Will say goodbye to facebook, multiply, and yahoo messenger during work time. I will impose strict office rule for myself as what's happening is starting to get into my nerves, making me feel guilty as each hours of unfinished work pass. I will just access these sites only if I'm done with my work. (Mode of entertainment during work: Listening to Wonder Girls' music).

I will also be minimizing distractions by not answering my mobile phone messages unless they are as important as life or death.

Being as tough as concrete, or as much as possible adobe, in every situation that I would be meeting along the way.

I will also start to eat healthy and minimize my food consumption.

Changing my body clock so I will be able to put myself into a peaceful slumber as early as possible.

Stay away from all the "karir" modes and start focusing on career modes.

Finally, totally forgetting you and not being that much affected by your thoughts and situation.

These are the changes that I want to apply since I will be older. In my silence, I commit myself to thee.

Now, I'm ready to turn over a new leaf.

At least for 15 days. :D

***

Balbs-visory: I will be posting some significant events of my life for 15 days. Please check these out.

A Prayer

2009-05-21T06:11:00.000-07:00

I have always been talking about work on my recent blog posts. Today, I am still going to talk about it but now on a different perspective. I finally know how to think of others in terms of work. Of how being a workaholic is not good if you are not being a channel of blessings to others. Of how work is being called a toil when you just keep all your salary to your wallet or bank accounts, not being able to satisfy even yourself.

Today, I have received a news regarding my other "raket." Upon learning this, I was drenched into deep thinking. How is it going to be resolved? What can I do to avoid this situation?

But aside from these business or work-related moves, I was thinking of my colleagues. Those people who have been helping me on this sideline. For this, I decided to make a very risky solution.

Solution that I want to label as "classified."

With this, I come to the Lord in prayer:

Father, you know what is happening to our work. You know how
anxiety has once again visited me at this period of time when I am swamped with work. But I know Father that it's You whom I can trust. I know that everything is going to be fine, with You watching and orchestrating every events on our daily lives.

Father, You know for a fact how much I am delighted with this, not for myself but for others. I am hoping that my proposal will be approved and that it will still continue. Father, not for me but for them.
I made a decision Father. A decision that I don't know if it's just an
instant blurt of my mind. Just a reflex or a sympathetic response. You know Father that I have doubts in my decision but Lord, I don't want to doubt forever. Guide me Father to stand on what I decided.
I am assured that it will continue but the only assurance that I can hold on to is the assurance that comes from You and Your Mighty Hands. Father, I know you are preparing something for us.

Father, bless our bosses. Bless us always. Continue to make us a channel of Your blessings to each other.

In Christ's Name I pray....Amen.

Litanya ng Isang Taong Napapagal

2009-05-16T11:13:00.000-07:00

Muli kang dumaan sa aking isipan sa kalagitnaan ng aking pagtatrabaho.

Isang alaala na patuloy na naglulunoy sa akin gunita.

Patuloy sa paglangoy. Sa pag-ikot. Walang kapaguran. Walang balak na umahon.

Pero ako ay napapagal na sa mga nangyayari.

Napapagal sa patuloy na pag-anyaya ng iyong alaala sa aking isipan.
Napapagal na hintuturo na walang sawang inuukit ang iyong pangalan sa aking puso.
Napapagal na mga labi sa patuloy na pagmutawi ng iyong pangalan sa bawat paghinga.
Napapagal sa araw-araw na paghinga ng hangin na kung tawagin ay “ikaw.”

At higit sa lahat…

Napapagal na puso na nagdaramdam sa isang nawalang pag-ibig na hindi naman nakamtan…

At maaaring hindi makakamtan kailanman.

May ilang linggo ka pa para maglunoy. Umaasa ako na pagdating ng panahon na iyon ay handa ka nang umahon…

At ako ay handa ka nang paahunin.

God's Grace

2009-05-08T07:45:00.001-07:00

For the past several days, I have been struggling with being swamped with work, sleeping for only three hours a day and what made things worst is that I need to do some medical transcriptions, photoediting, data entry, article research...in a computer that is not really capable of doing as much work.

But dont get me wrong. I have no right to demand or blame the computer for not being capable of doing the jobs that I want it to do. In fact, I am very thankful that I have something that I can use at least to do some word documents and if I am lucky enough, be able to access the internet.

My work schedule has been to wake up at 6AM and do some blog posting for a boss. Around 10 AM, start doing medical transcriptions. Around 2 PM or 3 PM, researching for articles and references. Do that until around 12 MN depending on the bulk and the difficulty of the tasks. Then work again in data entry until 3AM. Then sleep and wake up again and all that c*ap.

I have been using Auj's or Dori's laptop to research and do blog posts. I am praying on my knees every night, asking God to increase the life span of their laptops so that they will not crash in the middle of work and be a major hassle for them. Or if they do crash, I would have enough money to replace it.

With all of these things to consider, I have set my mind to buy a computer for all these work. Working my guts out, with the help of my bosses ofcourse, to earn for a PC.

But just when we are about to buy a computer from our own salaries, God has again proven that He has something in store for each and everyone of us.

How disheartening it may be for some, God has already solved our issue in terms of computer by providing us one...for free. Yup. That is God's grace at work.

Been thinking for a while... I would agree with Auj that it is God's treat for me. But I want to take not as a treat only for me but a vessel to at least do my work better for my bosses and thus being a channel of blessing to others.

With this, I definitely agree with the following quote:

That is the mystery of grace: it never comes too late. -François Mauriac
(1885-1970)

Yup. You would never know how and when grace will come but the bottom line is that it is always on time and is for the good of His children.

Friends, thank you for always being a vessel of God's blessing and grace for me.

And I'm dedicating this very first blog post using the new computer to the Lord.

******

worshipimages.com

Pananaw ng Isang Sawi (Spaghetti Style)

2009-04-23T23:52:00.000-07:00

Pananaw ng Isang sawi (Spaghetti Style)

Wala sa paningin.. ni aninag, walang kasing-dilim
Wala na sa isip.. pero ang mga alaala mo'y tila pilit pa ding sumisiksik
Mga bato ng galit na itinapon sa magkabilang panig ng sakit
Parang sulat na ibinabalik, nang paulit-ulit.

Masyado na kong nalungkot, nangulila
Ikinulong mo na ako sa rehas ng pangamba
Hanggang kailan ka pa sasaya?
Sa aking bawat araw ng pag-iisa.

Bakit mo pa tinatanong kung bakit ko iniinda
Sagad sa buto ang lalim ng mga sugat na ipininta
Nagmistulang estranghero ang tingin ng pag-ibig sa akin
Parang kahapon ko lang nakilala, ba't ang bilis mo namang limutin?

Nakikinig ka ba?
O dapat ba ang tanong ay "makikinig ka pa ba?"
May daan pa ba papasok sa buhay mo?
O puro pag-alis na lang ang sadyang dapat makasanayan ko?

Mahirap ang ganito.

Alam ko ang gusto ko.

Hindi mo alam ang gusto mo.

Auj Lazaro is currently having her journey leaving her droppings of wisdom and poetry in different blog cribs of various bloggers who would understand that there is a place for melancholy. She is planning to gather all her tagalog prose collection and call it as "Mga Kwento ng Dilaw na Bimpo." You can visit her blog at http://www.iamauj.blogspot.com.

She is probably sitting in front of her laptop right now snickering over free wifi.

Rock of Ages

2009-04-21T01:40:00.000-07:00

I have been working online last night when a particular picture caught my attention. A striking interpretation and the title sounds very familiar. I looked for other versions of this picture and this is what I found.

I like this version better. It only states that in everything that we do, God should be our anchor. A very stable place where we can stand on. And in this picture, we should always cling to Him for comfort, peace, and care especially in the midst of a storm. Whatever it may be, God will always be strong for us.

I have been very busy. Good thing that even if we are busy, God is also not taking His time off to constantly remind us that He is always there. Cheering our daily race. Cupping our tired faces. Bringing us near to Him until we can hear His heart beat to give us rest. Washing our calloused hands due to everday toil with His love. And most of all, offered His own blood to save us from the darkness caused by sin. With His death, we are alive.

Let me just post this song. For those of you who are familiar with church hymnals, I know that you know this song or at least sang this once in your life.

Rock of Ages

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
let me hide myself in thee;
let the water and the blood,
from thy wounded side which flowed,
be of sin the double cure;
save from wrath and make me pure.

Not the labors of my hands
can fulfill thy law's commands;
could my zeal no respite know,
could my tears forever flow,
all for sin could not atone;
thou must save, and thou alone.

Nothing in my hand I bring,
simply to the cross I cling;
naked, come to thee for dress;
helpless, look to thee for grace;
foul, I to the fountain fly;
wash me, Savior, or I die.

While I draw this fleeting breath,
when mine eyes shall close in death,
when I soar to worlds unknown,
see thee on thy judgment throne,
Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
let me hide myself in thee.

Thank you for Your daily RSS feed of reminders, Father. :)

The Art of Pampam-ness

2009-04-14T04:38:00.000-07:00

Pampam-ness is when someone will say or do something that would draw your attention to him or her. Pampam is the person who likes to make papansin or do the pampam-ness thing. These things that they would say could be just out-of-the-blue thoughts or witty statements...But who am I kidding? They are just out-of-the-blue thoughts.

We have not been texting (well, maybe she has not been texting me or I am not texting her) for some time. Some of her clothes (because I finally gave in to her plea to bring her at least a few set) are still kept in our house in Cubao and so does the memories. Then there would be times when she's going to text me about something really odd or ask me questions that would make me "somersault."

- hun, anjan po ba ung blck na sleeveless ko na may kwelyo? Ung dinodoble ko sa longsleeves ko na parang white na black sleeves na sweatshirt?

- alam mo b ung gatas n appeton? magkano kya yon?

- ol kba? alam mo maglu2 ng chcken curry?Ü (I replied: hndi ako marunong. pero ol ako, gsto mo dl (download) kita ng recipe?)

- cge2.Ü ska pa-accept ng mga invites ko sa frndster.Ü ska pktingn narin msgs..
ska, re-invite mo c larry dhl sb ko i-accept ña. Oo dw. Pg na-invite mo na text moko..

- Hi! Lam mo b pano mag-register sa uzzap?

- pano mala2man kung ngcha2ge c tandem at kung full charge na? (bit of a background: I have an mp4 player named balbasaur and it has a portable speaker named tandem. So they are balbasaur tandem.)

- Ano nga b un ino0rder ko sa starbucks?

- Un ay kung gs2 mo lang po akong paxalan.. Tlagang gs2 ko kau papnthn d2 pg wla c larry.. Ska kung maari padala po ng ibang damit.. La xe ako mga pmbhay..iilan lng.

- pnta ka d2.. ms kta..=( pdala evanescence na cd

- magkno nga ult rent sa apartment nyo?

- hun, ano nga ult pwd k s frndstr at email? at ano nga username k s multiply?

- hello.. na-update mo na pwd ko sa accounts k? na-invite m na c larry?

- kylan mo pwd dalhn ibang dmit ka2unti mga dmt ko, cguro saktong pang 1wk lang. My shorts pba ako dun? Ung paldang my lace na black, buhay pa?

- mdali lng ba ang biyahe papntang apt niyo? what i mean is bago mkpasok ng compound.Ü pwd b lgay mga cbinet, tv, component sa loft?

- kmsta, nkauwi na kayo? Ano na nga b un bnbli ko dati bukod sa spicy shreded squid sa aji ichiban? Nkalmtan ko pngalan..

- kylan pala mdadala gamit ko d2?

- hello.. my idea kba mgkno ps2 ngaun?

- san nga pla ung kantahan nyo? cno2 nagpunta? (text message after our gig.)

- nkalipat nba kau ng apartment? two bed rooms ba yn?

- Alam mo pa b ung 2g2g sa one more chance? Ano ang title nun ung cnbi kong mganda? (I replied: Uh... one more chance?)

- anong lyrics?

- Anong gmit n sim ni _____?

- nsa apartment nyo n b mga gamit ko? kelan mo pwdeng dalhin?

- still awake? (denver) wahaha! (a bit of background, denver is a guy whom she met in a disco who keeps on texting her the same thing every night: "still awake?")

- yang apartment nyo eh 2 bedrooms?

- Npanginipn ko si _____ kgbi. ano n nga ang number nya?

- Ano na nga b un bnbli natn sa mr. Donut bukod sa bavarian at swiss m0cha? (I replied with several doughnut names)

- Ung bnbli natn malapit sa bahay sa cubao.. Ung chocolate na walang sugar ung pang-uto sa bata pg umiiyak. jeje..

Haha! Just some random thoughts that could initiate a conversation. Just to make pampam.

But there would always one message that would always remind me of her and would never fail to be a cold hand that touches my heart...

hi hun! musta? anong gwa mo?

Those two dots after a sentence which means you still have a follow up statement after a reply. A space between the dots and the next sentence. Your way of spelling "heller" with "hallouer" makes you stand out among the rest. And your smiley (=';'=) (a cat) would make "lambing." It would never fail to make me powerless to refuse you. I would always distinguish your message among the 700+ messages in my inbox.

Even if these messages are just for the pleasure of making pampam or not, I would always be fond of you.

Mabasa mo kaya to? Ano kayang reaction mo? Peace huney! *big grin*

Para Kay L

2009-04-11T12:41:00.000-07:00

Sabi may quota raw ang pag-ibig, sa bawat limang taong umiibig, isa lang ang nagiging maligaya.

Tinanong ako, "Kasama ka ba sa quota?"

Sagot ko? Hindi.

Nakikita ko ang sarili ko kay Irene. Patuloy akong sinisibasib ng alaala mo, ng aking pagmamahal sa iyo na nakalilok sa aking puso at memorya. Na kahit kailan ay hindi maililibing kahit ng landslide na kumitil ng maraming buhay sa Cherry Hills.

Kina Sandra at Ester. Mga taong ni sa hinagap ay hindi akalaing madadaop ang mga puso sa bawal na pag-ibig.

Kay Erica. Isang babaeng hindi alam kung paano umibig. At nang malaman niya na umiibig na siya eh huli na ang lahat.

Higit sa lahat ay nakikita ko ang sarili ko kay Lucas na umiibig kay Bessie.

Na sa pagpapaikot ko ng globe at saka biglang ituturo ko ang aking daliri ay isang lugar lang ang aking makikita, ang tirahan mo sa Malibay.

Pero nararapat ko ring timbangin ang aking sarili. Mahal nga ba kita? Paano ko masasabing mahal nga kita?

Sapagkat hindi kita puwedeng mahalin nang hindi ko minamahal ang hilaga, silangan, timog at kanluran ng iyong mga paniniwala. Kapag nagmahal ay dapat kong tanggapin bawat letra ng iyong birth certificate. Kasama na doon ang iyong libag, utot at bad breath.

Pero sabi nga, lahat, maski pag-ibig, ay may limit. Pantay-pantay ang ibinibigay na karapatan sa lahat ng tao upang lumigaya, o masaktan, o magpakagago, pero kapag sumara na ang pinto, nawasak na ang mga puso, nawala na ang kaluluwa at ang bilang ay umabot na sa zero, goodbye na.

Ang pagkakapareho ng mga tauhan sa kuwento ay naging masaya sila sa isang punto ng kanilang mga buhay. Tama ba na mababalewala lang iyon dahil hindi naging ganoon kasaya ang katapusan? Di ba mas mahalaga na mapangiti ka dahil sa mga alaala ng panahon kung kailan hindi mo akalain ay magiging maligaya ka kaysa magpalugmok sa kumunoy ng depression na naidulot ng katapusan?

At bakit sa bawat magsing-irog ay may isa na humihingi pa ng sobra-sobra kahit ang lahat-lahat ay ibinibigay na ng kanilang kapareha? Saan at ano pa ang nagiging pagkukulang? Kaya imbes na makasama na sila sa quota ng mga taong nagiging maligaya sa pag-ibig ay natatanggal pa at napupunta sa waitlist o tuluyang nae-eliminate.

Habang ako ay tatapusin ang itong aking akda, titingin sa kalangitang unti-unting nagliliwanag sa pagsilip ng haring araw, handa na uling lumaban sa aking mga araw at gabi kung saan paminsan-minsan, pero ang totoo eh mas madalas pa sa minsan, nakaupo sa harap ng mesa at sa dilim ng hatinggabi ay nakatalungko sa ibabaw ng laptop na iginugupo ng isang letra.

Ikaw? Kasama ka ba sa quota?

****
Para Kay B ni Ricky Lee

Meeting My Flock

2009-04-07T14:32:00.000-07:00

My life has been like this for several days.

Wake up in the morning then work.

Eat in between while working.

Take a bath around 7PM.

Then work again until I hear the sounds of jeepney engines starting. Ready for another ride.

Sound of children starting to play.

Sound of bathroom flush and drain from the unit above ours.

I looked up our window and see the sun rising from the east.

A sign of another day.

But don't get me wrong. I am not ranting about this tidal wave of work. In fact, I am one with Oscar Wilde in saying:

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”

I am just glad to meet my flock. They keep me company. Be my positive reinforcement. Do together the things that we like to do in the middle of the night until dawn.

Who's ready for a bite?

Breaking Free

2009-03-23T10:12:00.000-07:00

It has been really hard for me to break away from something. This is a thing that has been bothering me for a long time. I am a person who is having a hard time to detach.

It has been hard for me to detach on the things that I am used to do.

It is hard for me to "reformat" my mind with all the memories.

And it is very hard for me to remove the Hun-thology category in this blog.

But I am trying... I changed something.

With all the work that we have done over the past weeks, we can feel the stress through our hair. It is crying out loud, begging for a hair cut and a new hairstyle.

Just to change something and be more motivated to work.

And we did. The changes: Auj had a trimmed, short hair but the length of the back part still has its original length. Boss now has bangs.

And me, I have a punk look. Take note, a guy did my hairstyle. I was very nervous but after several minutes and a lot of convincing, I finally decided to do it.

Imagine from this hairstyle...

To this hairstyle.

I was not able to upload my version though.

People never fail to give me a second look everytime they would see me.

This is another experience and I don't care if I am different as long as I am free. Free from my messy, wild, unkempt hair.

When we lose the right to be different, we lose the privilege to be free. - Charles Evans Hughes

Thanks for convincing me guys. I like the result. ;D

**** google images****

Mood Swings

2009-03-19T23:03:00.001-07:00

Mood swing is a sudden change of mood. It is a spontaneous psychological process in which your mood shifts from being down to an elevated or happy state and vice versa. You need not to think of it, your mind would command your body follow your mood.

For me, having this episode is when I'm "in the mood" to do something.

Clean the apartment.

Be a useless bum all day.

Listen to oldies but goodies music.

Now, I'm having another episode of mood swing...

If you remembered our chart in my previous post, you will see there the tasks that we need to do, their descriptions, and when are we going to update them.

There is inkflow with my change of mood.

Now I See It, Now I Don't

2009-03-13T09:21:00.001-07:00

I have been struggling with this lately. My mind has been really cluttered. Inattentiveness as the main actor, drawing my normal mind to meander into unseeable sea of thoughts. A vast garden of intellectual emptiness. Absence of cognitive process being umistakably evident.

Inattentiveness...

At times, positive reinforcement is becoming not just a reward because inattentiveness commands me to do the reverse thing. Claiming the rewards first before doing the work. Draws my index finger to hit the button and provide nourishment for the virtual pet and click on other reinforcements.

Inattentiveness...

There is a great need for me to counteract this. Start the mental crusade against inattentiveness. As this quote said:

Whatever you do, do it with all your might. Work at it, early and late, in season and out of season, not leaving a stone unturned, and never deferring for a single hour that which can be done just as well now. - P.T. Barnum

Now. Keep my focus. Must not let inattentiveness devour my mind. Do the job now or I might be in trouble.

Because now I may see it...

Then in a blink of an eye I won't

Haay ADHD... Pahingi ngang Adderall! =P

All Hail Real Food!!!

2009-03-13T08:41:00.000-07:00

We have been really busy these past few days. I could feel my brain bleeding, hemorrhaging with information, and the only thing that keeps my system running is a bottle of Cobra energy drink. Two if one is not effective in helping me give a "stellar" performance.

Aside from not having enough money to buy food, we really don't have the talent when it comes to culinary arts. With this, we conditioned ourselves and internalized. In an Indian sit position, we brought our palms together in a praying-like manner, closed our eyes and in a tantric mode we said...

"We are dormers...we are dormers...we are dormers..."

After that we decided to go out. I wore my sweatshirt and shades. Fixed my hair a bit. Prepared ourselves as if we're going to a battle. Walked out of the compound. Walked along the left side of the street. Turned right at the corner. Walked some more. Turned left at the corner where the bakery is located. Went into a mini grocery store that offers "extra more." Led ourselves to the chillers. Grabbed four bottles of Cobra, Coke, two eggs, and took three packs of the major indicator of being a dormer: pancit canton.

If you have stayed in a dormitory, I'm sure you know what I mean. As a student, you will eventually run out of allowance to buy food. With the budget in mind, you’re always forced to go back to the nourishment that pancit canton offers. Aside from being cheap, it would give you all the carbohydrates that you need to keep you running for the whole day. And it is easy to prepare. If you have a stove, just cook it as the pack indicates. There were even times when you could have just added hot water and let it cook in the bowl for 5 minutes. *points at everyone, "Guilty? Guilty?”*

And here are some serving suggestions. Don't believe the pack. Who would add vegetables to instant pancit canton? You want something instant, without too much effort right? Sheesh! It is best served with bread or hard boiled egg like what we do in the apartment.

We have been like this for several days or maybe weeks. Too much pancit canton made my mind more intertwined, coiled, and entangled than the usual.

Then boss Dori made a difference. She said she will cook lunch. I jumped off my seat (and maybe drooled a bit)

"Boss, real food? Totoo ba to? Real food?"

She and Auj went out to buy the ingredients. I can't comprehend the contents of the book "Para kay B," walked around the apartment, went to the restroom, played the guitar. I'm so restless because of the incoming "real food."

*Ding, dong, ding, dong* (our doorbell code goes)

“They're here!” I said. I leaped out of the bean bag and opened the gate. Boss prepared the ingredients. She will cook tinolang manok and fried chicken. I looked at the ingredients with awe, as if this is my first time to see these things in my whole life.

Boss asked me to fry the chicken because she has an injured left ring finger. I stared at the carcass. Lift the bowl close to my face to see it better. Then I turned my gaze up to the sky and lifted the bowl at the same time.

"This is a chickeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!!!"

Well, to make the long story short, the viands are now cooked and I also met another best friend who I haven't seen for some time: rice.

I am so overwhelmed with these meals so I took a picture of them.

I looked up at the ceiling when I put the first spoonful of food in my mouth. These are so good that I could see the gates of heaven, wide opened and dispersed rays of light on my face. I closed my eyes and lovingly chewed my food.

Very nice...I was so full that day. Everyone of us are. We enjoyed the food.

Boss, thanks for the real food. For the delectation of our digestive system. For the bonding. As real as the food. You are indeed a blessing. ;D

Our Chart

2009-03-11T22:22:00.001-07:00

We have been busy with everything. Not just with work but with all the drama. Name it, we have it.

Well, Auj is busier than I am.

Then she suggested that we make a chart. To organize our work. And our lives.

This is the controversial chart. With the works that she do alone, my own work, and some that we share.

This scariest part is the "WHO IS RESPONSIBLE" part.

For now, this approach is still under observation. If this will not work, then we'll do another approach.

The works are alive. They are alive on our wall. Talking to us.

"Work!"
"Update the chart or else..."
"This part is not updated! Work on it now na!"

*crawls at the corner of the apartment, sits, stares at the chart*

All hail OUR CHART!!!

This could be effective. I have a good feeling about it. :D

When Joanne Met Hassan

2009-03-09T06:43:00.000-07:00

I found myself walking along the streets of Afghanistan. There were kids playing, people chattering, but what caught my attention were the children who were flying their kites. They looked so happy even in the midst of competition. I looked up and saw how the kites move, as if they were a set of colorful mahjong tiles being shuffled by God on the clear, blue sky. I turned my gaze to my right. I saw a man who admires the sky the way I do. Feeling as if his personal bubble was being pierced, he looked at me. I was caught off guard. He smiled at me and closed the distance between us.

“Salam.” He said.
“Hello.”
“Nice scenery isn’t it?” The he gazed up in the sky.
“You’re right.”
“By the way, I’m Hassan.”
“Joanne.”
“You know, my friend and I used to fly kites together.”
“I have heard about that. You are noted for being the best kite runner in town.”
He smiled and reminisced everything.
“I will run kites a thousand times over for Amir agha.” Then his expression changed. “Unluckily, it had to be this way.”
I nodded. “Yeah. I think it all started after the incident involving Assef.”
He nodded too. “You’re right.”
I asked him. “I just want to ask you some questions Hassan Sahib. If you don’t mind.” I decided to do an interview with him.
He smiled. “Go ahead.”

J: "About the incident in the alley? You could have just given the kite to prevent Assef’s plan.”

H: “I can’t do that. The kite is for Amir agha. He wanted it. He won and as a prize, he has the right to keep it. I can’t lie about the kite and besides, I’m not sure if Assef will keep his words. Even if I gave the kite, he might still do it. Then, I could have lost two things: myself and Amir agha’s pride. I’d rather lose mine.”

J: Do you know that he was there? That he saw everything?

H: I knew he would look for me because it took me some time to get the kite. Regrettably, he saw it. I just had a feeling but it was made clear when he acted differently towards me. He does not want to talk to me anymore or even read me stories. That’s why I was so happy when he asked me to go with him at our favorite place after what happened between me and Assef.

J: Yeah, I remembered that. You refused to hurt him.

H: Yes. I’d rather eat dirt than hurt him. I cannot do that. He is the very first word that I learned to speak. Because we are nursed by the same woman, we have a deeper sense of brotherhood or connection.

J: Do you know how he felt everytime he sees the things that you are doing for him?

H: I think he is feeling uncomfortable and hurt because of his guilt. That’s why I was also avoiding our paths to meet. But I know that Amir agha is a deep and intelligent person and that’s why he still feels my presence by mere glance at his folded clothes or warm slippers because he knew that I always organize those for him.

J: What did you feel when you were accused of stealing Amir’s watch?

H: That was the ultimate sign that Amir agha cannot contain the guilt of seeing me around. My father was shocked because it is unusual for Agha Sahib to have a meeting like that. It could just be because I did something wrong. So my father asked me about what this could be about. I told him everything. Why Amir agha doesn’t want to play with me anymore and why I felt sick after the kite tournament. He was shocked. His tears flowed as mine travelled down my cheeks. He hugged me tightly after I told him everything. Then his expression changed. That was the first time I saw him with that expression: contained anger and first time, because of Amir agha. He cannot bear that Amir agha had to go this far just to drive me away. I told him that Amir agha wants me to get angry with him to lessen his guilt, but I can’t and I will never be for the rest of my life. My father asked me what are we going to do? I said that I will take the blame. I will admit the crime that I didn’t commit or even dreamed of committing. My father didn’t like the idea but I explained everything to him: that we are doing this for Amir agha to at least lessen his inner burden. He was mad with Amir agha but he still loves him and understood everything. After that long discussion, he asked me to help him pack our bags. Then we went up to meet with Agha Sahib and Amir agha.

J: That was the time when Ali, your father, was very stiff towards Amir?

H: Yes. Then I admitted that I stole the watch and the money. I looked at Amir agha just to weigh if that’s what he wanted to happen. He looked down, away from my gaze. It means that aside the guilt that has been bothering him for days, that event had added up to it.

J: But Agha Sahib forgave you.

H: That was unexpected. Knowing Agha Sahib, he will not forgive stealing. Good thing father was firm with the decision and he cannot do anything but to drive us to the station.

J: Then after several years, while Amir was in the USA, you taught yourself how to write.

H: Yes. It was very tough at first because I am getting a bit older and it’s hard to teach myself how to read and write. But I really wanted to write to Amir agha and tell him everything about me and my family. To tell him how much I’m longing to see him again.

J: Yeah. I can still remember how touching your letter is to him.

H: I really wanted to fly kites again with him after the chaos in our country has subsided. And also not just the chaos in our country but also once his inner chaos settles down. Continue running kites for him even if we’re old.

J: What can you say about you and Amir being brothers?

H: I had no idea about that until Rahim Khan had finally revealed the truth to Amir agha. But brothers or not, I have a different bond with Amir agha. It doesn’t matter if we are blood-related or not as long as we know deep inside that we are friends and brothers.

J: What do you feel about Sohrab?

H: I felt sad about what Sohrab has to go through and most especially on the hands of Assef. But I am thankful that Amir agha risked going back to Afghanistan and in the process adopted Sohrab. I knew that he will love Sohrab like his own kid and not just his nephew. Amir agha is very patient with Sohrab.

The children cheered as the last kite finally won and cut the opponent. Kite runners run like they’ve never run before to chase the kite. The kite landed again on Hassan’s chest and with open arms accepted it as if it is a gift from God. He gave it to the first kite runner to get near him.

It was already afternoon so Hassan Sahib asked me if I could wait for him. He is going to do his afternoon namaz. I agreed.

After the namaz, he went to me and we stayed at the hill where he and Amir used to read books together. “Now it is my time to ask you a question.”

“Sure.” I said.

“What keeps you on doing the things for those people whom you love? Like fixing them coffee and others.” He asked.

I thought for a while. Then I answered, “First of all, because I love them. That is the first reason. I love doing things for them. Making things a bit easier.”

He nodded.

I continued. “And another thing, I don’t have anything to offer aside from those little things. I am not rich, I’m not that intelligent either to give advices, and I’m not a deep person. That is the only thing that I can do, to extend my hands to do simple things for them. Just be a company if they need one, someone who will just listen and if my brain will work, I can give my opinions at the matter.”

Silence…

“That’s why I feel guilty at times when I’m not in the mood or too busy to do things because that’s the least that I could do. I look up to you because you are so loyal and you never grew tired of serving. Somehow, I see myself in you, but you are way too good than I am.”

I sighed. He smiled and patted my shoulders. I smiled back.

We parted ways and I closed the book written by Khaled Hosseini.

Hassan Sahib is a real role model. A loyal friend and a loving brother. I will always be fond of him.

Tashakor Hassan Sahib. Khoda fez. :D

******
These are just my interpretation of what happened in between or within the scenes in the book. :D

Conquering the Fears

2009-03-03T23:49:00.000-08:00

Being on several quiet modes these past few weeks, I have realized that I have several fears in my life. And the bad thing is that I really don't have any idea on how to conquer them. I kept on thinking about my life and then God made me realize something.

He had already subjected me to my fears.

My neurotransmitters worked overtime and I suddenly remembered...

I have a fear of speaking or talking in English but God made me work in a call center where you can be terminated when an OM hears you speak in vernacular.

I have a fear of singing on stage, solo or duet, but I was able to sing with a friend, blending and all.

I have a fear of playing the piano but I was able to play for a concert for a cause.

I have a fear of playing the piano as an accompanist but still I was able to do it with a friend singing. I was able to muddle through inspite of my mind being slow in taking in queues.

And I have a fear in writing because of my scattered thoughts but look who's blogging and doing some writing stuff right now?

Thoughts are continuously transferred by my neurotransmitter God is already conditioning me to conquer all of my fears.

See? My fears are about art. I thought that I have never been good in that field and make myself believe that I'm a technical or more of a science person and does not have any artistic juices flowing into my bloodstream.

But I saw this quote:

The fear of being wrong is the prime inhibitor of the creative process.
-- Jean Bryant.

Yes. Finally, it could be that I really don't like committing mistakes and it inhibits my growth as an artist. I also lack self confidence about my works and craft. I want to believe that I'm an artist by heart or at least have a drop of it on my blood. I will. I want to believe it.

It is time to take courage. This is the start. Now is the time.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
-- Frank Herbert, Dune. Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear.

And I also want to quote from a young philosopher.

Gawa mo to. Maniwala ka sa gawa mo. - Auj Lazaro

I want to thank everyone who believes in the things that I don't believe about myself.

Drinking at its Best

2009-03-03T00:22:00.000-08:00

Is there really an importance in drinking? I don't know about you but there is...for me.

I have had a very appreciated session with a friend. Let's say two or three weeks ago. I'm not yet drunk but I can feel that my cheeks were flushed already because of alcohol.

So we went to a friends house (there were three of us at this time) and this friend and I had a very good talk. So good that I didn't even want the night to end.

Flashback:
Years ago, I have this friend and we are really so close to each other. And then after 4 months, something has changed. We parted our ways as friends with a lot of questions in my mind.

I, as a "closure person" have been wondering. Even when I'm working as truck tracker for Shell or explaining bills for an American mobile company, there are still some episodes of these questions. I may have a reason in my mind but I cannot speak for her because of the fact that I'm not her. Everyone has different personalities that affects the insights, judgments, and most of all reasoning.

And even if I have that "possible reason" in mind to console myself, I still need to hear her reason. For that span of time also, the enemy kept on whispering to my ears. Whisper that can slowly eat up my soul and loosen my grip on my faith to our friendship. As if he wants me falling to the deepest pit of darkness and forget about everthing.

I fought the enemy. Even if it means to strike my head on the wall just to keep the intrusive memories from coming. I need to hear her first. I need and I must but I don't have the guts to ask.

Going back, she asked me if I have any question for her.

My God, this is it! I exclaimed to myself.

I asked, "What happened back then? We were getting along quite well and then all of a sudden..." I forgot the rest of the question already. Maybe it's because the question became tired of running around my mind so it decided to take a rest.

I must hear the answer coming from her. Even for any other question, I must hear her side first before jumping on any conclusion.

She gave her answer. And I'm glad that it is the same with mine. So with the devil being crushed, I felt that the night opened up a new beginning.

The thing is even if I'm given the opportunity to ask, I still won't have the guts to ask. I will just be tortured by the enemy over and over again.

Here is where drinking comes in. Having no inhibitions, I was able to ask a question that should have been just buried behind. At the deepest side of my unconscious as if nothing like this have happened.

The next reason is that alcohol is a stress alleviator. The alcohol in beer makes our brain process move smoothly and relaxes our minds. Aside from that, it is a calmer and you will be able to sleep for the night. Yes, the problem would still be there but at least you can muddle through the night. With the suppression of T-cells, tryptophan is stabilized or normalized and being the precursor of serotonin which is a neurotransmitter that contributes to our feeling of beeing happy.

Yes, it's true that we don't need alcohol to spice up any conversation. But the mere thought that it is the spice itself is a different story.

Heavy matters turn lighter.

Small things are magnified.

These happen only once in a while.

Like what SMB ad says, "Mas gumagaan ang kwentuhan kapag mahaba-haba ang inuman."

Cheers! More Beer!!!

Music and Me: A Particular Sense of Silence

2009-02-24T18:05:00.000-08:00

I have not been writing lately because I have been busy arranging musical pieces for a wedding. Creating some musical arrangements for several songs that I have not heard before and some of which I'm familiar with.

As far as musical arranging is concern, there are three difficult parts in arranging: making the intro, doing the lead/adlib part, and making the ending. Proper intro that is suitable for the music and that sounds good to attract the audiences. Lead part is where it's the instrument's time to "sing". This needs creativity on how you'll use all the scales, arpeggios (broken chords), and music theory together to make a very good lead part. A very good ending must also leave a good impression on the listeners.

I would be silent if I'm having a hard time thinking of the notes that I will use for the arrangement. This is the time when God whispers the right notes that I can use. A time to be silent and consult to God about this and have peace as well.

Let me just share some quotes about music and silence:

A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence. ~Leopold Stokowski

Silence is the fabric upon which the notes are woven. ~Lawrence Duncan

But in times of silence, I would feel like something punched my chest. It means I'am having an episode again of nervousness. Panic attack as I call it. With my previous post, I have said that I really have a stage fright when I sing on stage. This time, it is a stage fright of being an accompanist.

Why am I nervous? Actually, I can manage when I'm playing the piano alone. If I would make a mistake, then it's just me and my musicality at risk. Being an accompanist however is a different story. But I have faith that even if I make a mistake, the singers can manage.

My only prayer is:

Father, as you are delighted by David's music, may you also be delighted and glorified by mine. You know that I'm nervous and most of the times I will forget, but Abba please always remind me that You gave me this talent and that You are just using my hands in spreading Your Love through music and psalms. Always remind me Father that it is not about me and my musicality but it is about the happiness that music brings to You and to my friends. I know that You will be beside me on that day when I play the piano and You will guide my hands through every notes and chord progressions that the pieces require. Please remind me Lord that you will hold my hands and I will intoxicated by Your Spirit on that day. Father God, thank you for this gift. Thank you for the people who believes in me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

*deviantart.com and google images

Hello Stranger

2009-02-19T17:43:00.000-08:00

It has been several years since we last laid our eyes on each other.
Time passed so fast, just like sands being carried by the wind. Just gone unnoticed.
And now, having almost everyday communication again made me think...

Are you still the same person?
The same physique that I have always been familiar with?
Still have the same widow's peak that I used to admire?
Hazel-colored eyes that has always revealed your soul?
Youre face that I used to cup in my hands?
The same strong arms that protected me but at the same time are as gentle as the 7 o'clock in the morning sunlight that kept me warm through the night?

Then at this present time, you have revealed yourself to me.
Aside from silver strands that blends with your black hair,
Nothing has really changed.

I ask myself if what would happen if destiny played on our lives once more?
Caught off guard, facing each other again at a time that we both least expect it?

What shall I feel? Will it be fear? Will I feel nervous? Or uneasy?

Whatever it may be, only God knows.

My Name is BALBS

2009-02-16T04:29:00.000-08:00

What is there really in a name?

Have you experienced having your name mispronounced by people? Well, I got a lot of that. Since I entered high school, almost all of my teachers mispronounced my last name.

So what's my last name? It's Balbalosa.

Yes. Balbalosa. Very unique.

Anyway, my teachers in high school would do roll call and when it's my turn to be called they would say:

Bal...Balb...

Then I would just say "Balbalosa po."

The following day, the teachers called my name:

Balbosa

Again, I would say "Balbalosa po."

Days after that they would call:

Balbaloso

They almost had it. I got tired of correcting them so I just let them pronounce my last name the way they want it to be. Fortunately, they got it correct after three months.

By the time the teachers are figuring out my last name, my classmates were also having an issue with my first name.

You see, my first name is Joanne Marie.

Yes. Believe it or not, it's Joanne Marie.

There were two Joans in the classroom: one is Jo Ann and the other one is me, Joanne. The issue was if they call one "Joan," two will turn, say "ano" while raising their eyebrows. You may ask the major difference of the two Joans and maybe they can call us using that. Well, she is thin and I'm... let's just say that I always attend "Fatness first" classes. And it will be harsh if they would call me "Fat Joan" or "Matabang Joan." It will sound like a jail inmate.

Anyway, my classmates had a clever idea. They baptized me with a new nickname. Since my last name is Balbalosa, the said "From now on, you will be called Balbs."

Then there was a bright light heaven with Handel's Messiah playing in the background marked the birth of "Balbs."

Have you also experienced in high school that some of your classmates would call in the night asking about the assignment or will call early in a rainy morning to ask about DECS' announcement about the suspension of classes? I don't know about you but I did. A lot. One morning, a classmate called:

Classmate: Hello, puwede po ba kay Balbs?

Person at our house: Sinong Balbs?

Classmate: Balbs po. Classmate po niya ako.

PAOH: Walang Balbs dito.

Classmate: (thinks for some time) Ah Joanne po pala.

PAOH: Joanne?

Classmate: Opo. Joanne po.

PAOH: Walang Joanne dito. Wrong number yata tinawagan mo! (Then puts the phone down)

When we met at the school, she told me that she called and asked if that is our phone. I answered yes. She asked "It seems that they don't know you."

Then I remembered. Yes they don't know me as Joanne or Balbs at home. They know me with my precious nickname. Very appropriate. Very girly. Very sweet.

PRINCESS.

Too much revelation? Yes. My family named me Princess.

My classmates can't believe that my nickname is Princess. Not appropriate for me who has a big physique, boyish, and most of all poker-faced person. I told them that if they want to reach me through our landline, they should look for Princess and not anyone else. Too bad our landline didn't last long because it was cut by the telephone company due to non-payment.

When I entered college, I still had the same problem so everytime I would hear the professor say:

"Bal...Balb..."

I would just raise my hand and claim that it's me.

Then everytime I would meet new people, they would also have an issue with my name. I have been called a lots of names already.

Bals, halika kain ka dito.

Bangs, tapos na yung dina-download.

Anong susuotin mo sa kasal, Bads?

Kelan ba ang meeting Babs?

Ano dito ang kailangan Bans?

Ano nga ulit ang pangalan mo? Batch ba?

Somebody almost had it.

Ano ang gagawin natin sa presentation Bulbs?

I can live with that. When it comes to my name? May it be a 3-letter, 4-letter or even 5-letter word, name it, I have it.

Several people asked me:

Why don't you use Joanne instead of Balbs?

I say:

Balbs has a different personality from Joanne as it is different from Princess. And besides, I am introduced as Balbs most of the time. I am also used in calling myself Balbs than Joanne.

Let me give you a history of my name:

My mother had ultrasound and they found out that she will have a boy so they prepared a name. Victoriano, after my paternal grandfather who was a famous "albularyo" in Albay. Then she gave birth and they were shocked because she delivered a girl. They didn't have a name prepared for a baby girl. Maybe that was the reason why I didn't have any copy of my birth certificate until I entered college. Seriously. My high school adviser already asked.

Ba't walang kang birth certificate Joanne? Ipinanganak ka ba o isinuka?

Can't answer her because I'm having second thoughts about that too. It made me think...A lot. This is a real question. Kidding aside. :D

My mother loves John and Marsha so she named me Joanne, I believe she was John and Marsha's daughter or daughter in-law. I'm not pretty sure about this.

Another question you may ask:

Why Marie? What's with Marie?

Good question. I think my mother believed that it is a requirement to follow the name Joanne with Marie. Just like the names, Mary Grace, Mary Ann, Anna Marie, and the other names that can't stand without Mary or Marie.

Next possible question:

Do you know what Joanne Marie means?

I researched on it and according to www.babynames.com

What a meaning right? Put the meaning together could be "God is gracious over the sea of bitterness."

Question:

How about Princess?

Well, my mom said that I'm her only daughter (I have an older half-brother whom I met when I was 12 years old. I think he's 8 years older than me). So I am the Princess of the family. And she was a big fan of Helen Vela, mother of Princess Punzalan. She also said that if she only knew that Princess is her real name, she could have registered me as Princess instead of Joanne Marie. Good thing she didn't know that. :D

Another question:

What is the "baby girl" issue?

Haha! This was when I need to get a CTC of my birth certificate at NSO in Quezon City. I was shocked because I don't have a name at the birth certificate. It's just a blank space. No entry. I became very anxious because what I know about people who do not have their names registered are defaulted to names "Baby Boy" or "Baby Girl". What will happen to me? Will they force me to change my name to "Baby Girl Balbalosa?" Nooooooooooooooooo!!! That would be scary. My name and reputation are at risk. I can still remember the faces of my college friends when I told them this possibility. They were ROTFL. Good thing I remembered to go to Manila City Hall and got my birth certificate there with my name on it. I kept it and promised never to lose it again.

Keep the questions coming:

Given a choice, what would you like your name to be?

Good question again. I would like my name to be Maude Elizabeth Florence if I had a choice. But Joanne Marie is okay because if we add in my last name: Maude Elizabeth Florence Balbalosa. That doesn't sound good. I just love the name Florence.

About Balbs. Have you found anything about it?

Yes I did. I googled "Balbs" and this it seems that there was a Balbs clan that lived in the US around 1920s and according to google earth, it is a place somewhere in Europe. Not really sure if it's right though. :D

What would you name your kids?

If I ever have my own kids, I prepared four names. For boys, Joaquin Frederick Amadeus, Jose Frederick Allisandro, and Julian Frederick Auguste. These are combinations of Spanish names, Frederick which is a name that I like, and names of musicians. For a girl, it would be Joanne Florence Argerich or Aima, which are also pianists. No copying of names allowed. Hehe.

Oh well, it's okay if people mispronounce my name. I even find it amusing.

Only one thing is important: God knows my name. He won't misspell it. Won't mispronounce it. Won't forget it. That's all that matters. :D

Tell Me...

2009-02-13T11:14:00.000-08:00

I wish you could tell me what I did? I don't have any idea.

All I know is that you have always been there and I have always seen you. Even if you're not around.

You are my heart. You have it and only God knows when are you going to keep it.

Until I am 25? Until the time of my death?

Up to you. Your call...

Let me just quote a statement of Amir from the book The Kite Runner. Hope you will be able to read this book.

"Because when he was around, the oxygen seeped out of the room. My chest tightened and I couldn't draw enough air I'd stand there, gasping in my own little airless bubble of athmosphere. But even when he wasn't around, he was. He was there in the hand-washed and ironed clothes onthe cane-seat chair in the warm slippers left outsde my door, in the wood already burning in the stove when I came down from breakfast."

Just like what Amir said, I saw you in every corner of our room. In the bottle of vitamins that you brought for me. Stating that "You need it because you are not eating any fruits or vegetables." On the white board where your Pinoy Idol number is posted. Reminding me of your talent. You were there everytime I play "My Immortal" on the piano. Reminding me of it's meaning and to whom you dedicate it to: your daughter. You are in my wallet with the memory of your picture and your letter for me.

Again, you are always here. You know where my palm is placed. It will remain there until the end. Until our world is world. Even if the ocean turns into sand. I will still cry with you even if we are a distance away. I will always acknowledge your voice that calms me in the midst of confusion. You. Yours. Always be forever.

I don't know if would even be able to carry on. May I will be lucky or not, only God knows. You are always here... In my heart. I could just continue loving you in distance.

Tell me... I don't know what to do anymore...

Stop Me!: LNCC Version

2009-02-13T00:42:00.000-08:00

I told you about our gig last Monday right? Well, I have to meet Cynthia and Denz then we'll go together at our apartment then rehearse a bit. I need to pick up Denz at Sandigangbayan so we were texting all lunch time about our meeting place and time.

I received a text message from him.

Denz: Balbs sundo niyo b aq.wat tyme b? try ko para mkipgkita nlng aq sanyo.para di hustle.san po ba at wat tym?

I laughed my heart out because I remembered the what we call "LNCC Stop Me Moments."

Then I received another text message from him.

Denz: Hassel pala...o kinorek ko.wag 2mawa.

Yeah. But there is still an issue with the spelling.

For your info, Stop Me is a segment in a talk show (if my memory serves me right) that lists down some of celebrities' statements with wrong grammar or pronounciation.

For example: A hunk actor presenting the nominees for an awards night.

Actor: And the nominees goes to...

I remembered that we had a lot of "Stop Me" moments in LNCC.

The first time was after the RMCHSCC Alumni concert. we went to Timog to drink and we are forcing Ben to come with us. Well, he refused because he was busy following and courting this girl... Well, they didn't have a relationship (so girls, Ben is now single so line up to this Christian Bautista/Gerald Anderson look-a-like guy).

Ronald, one of friends was so irritated so he exclaimed:

Ronald: Sabihin mo kay Ben, I have two words for you! Gago!

Then everyone of us raised our glasses of beer and agreed with him.

Everyone: Tama ka diyan! Hahaha!

Then sudden silence... Having drank more than what we can at the time and a bit tipsy, we thought that there is something wrong with that statement."

Everyone: Hmmm... Gago. Two words. Gago. Teka? One word lang yon pero two syllables

.

Like a curse, Stop Me moments didn't stop there. We went out after Glenn's thesis defense. Ate a lot of pizza and then went to the restroom before going home. Denz read a forwarded text message to me asking about what it means. He read it to me out loud. Forgot the first part of the text though.

Denz: blah blah blah... and all you have to do is to compromise.

Balbs: Compromise? Pakibasa mo nga ulit.

Denz: blab blab blah... and all you have to do is to compromise.

Balbs: Hind ko maintindihan. Pabasa nga.

This time, I read the text silently while Denz was reading it out loud.

Denz: blab blab blah... and all you have to do is to compromise.

Balbs: Compromise? Compromise... ah! Compromise!

The catch is that he pronounced it as com and promise. Promise as in a vow. Com-promise. I laughed about this and he gave me a death threat not to tell any LNCC members about this incident. Well, knowing my big mouth, I spilled it and he became the laughing stock at that time and almost all of the time after that.

Then the time came when I believed that Karma is just around. We were talking about foreign martial arts films. About how hot Shu Qi and Vicki Zhao were in So Close. Then I remembered something...

Balbs: Guys, may isa pang magandang pelikula. Puro babae din. Napanood niyo na ba yung Naked Waypon? (Weapon pronounced as way-pon)?

Realizing my mistake and knowing how they will react, I tried to redeem myself by acting as if I didn't say anything but their ears are sonic ears (Blue 3 in Bioman's special skill). They heard and they laughed their hearts out...in the middle of SM North's food court.

LNCC: Bwahaha! Waypon daw o! Waypon!

Oh well, that's life. Anyway, we are going to have a gig.

Cynthia's cousing was getting married at that time and she asked if we can sing. Knowing us, we agreed. Ching (Cynthia's nickname) talked about the number of singers and reserved seats for us.

Ching: So guys, seven tayong kakanta at may seats nang naka-reserve para sa atin. Bale six na lang palaang kailangang i-reserve for LNCC since pinsan ko yung ikakasal, you can disinclude me na lang sa list ng LNCC.

Having a dial-up mind download speed at that time, we had another moment of silence.

Denz: Disinclude?

Ching: Oo. Disinclude.

Ben: Meron bang ganong salita?

Balbs: Parang wala nga eh.

Glenn: Teka, exclude meron.

Realizing that, we almost rolled on the floor laughing.

LNCC: Bwahaha! Disinclude daw o! Disinclude.

A friend defended Ching. She said there was a word disinclude me. Upon remembering this incident, I asked Auj if there is such a word. She said that there is none. I immediately logged on to Merriam Webster site and typed "disinclude" and there was no matched result.

I mentioned above that Ben was busy courting this girl but well, they didn't end up together. He received a letter from this girl about the most common "busted" crap: I like you to be my friend...let's just be friends.

At Glenn's pad in Vito Cruz, we formed a circle, seated, and with 3k in the middle. Ben read the letter to us. Tears flowed from his eyes down to his cheeks. We gave him our advices.

Balbs: Ben, marami pang iba diyan na mas nararapat sa pagmamahal mo. Mas malalim na makakakita ng kabutihan ng puso mo.

Ching: Haaay...I think I have been in that state. You know the quote, "Always the best friend, never the boyfriend or the girlfriend?"

Then Denz gave his piece of advice.

Denz: Oo nga. I agree. Para lang yang "Always the bridge..."

Then there was silence. Cricket sounds.

More silence.

Then Nica (aka Bebang) added up:

Nica: But never the troubled waters.

EVerybody burst into laughter. Another Stop Me moment. Then Nica explained:

Nica: Hindi kasi mapanindigan eh. Kung magsasalita, panindigan! Yan tuloy, tinuloy na lang ng iba para sayo.

The pad was filled with laughter until Glenn's neighbor complained about the noise to the point of reporting us to the baranggay for disturbance of peace. We were glad because it made Ben laugh too. You may ask: Did the advices help him? We still don't know up to this day when I'm writing this blog.

And then we became the Late Night Call Center people. Ben, Ching, and Denz applied in a call center in Novaliches. This was Ben's first time in applying in this industry, Denz and Ching worked in call centers before. The first part of the recruitment process is that you will answer some questions of an IVR and you're voice will be recorded. Ben was seated beside Denz then the HR personnel asked them to start recording.

Christine (The IVR): Please state your name and spell it out.

Ben, out of nervousness, gave his answer.

Ben: My name is Benedict Leonin. Be-ne-dict Le-o-nin.

Then Denz, shocked and all, looked at Ben. Then trying not to laugh. But he really wants to. If that scenario was just an anime scene, you may see Denz doing his triple somersault because of what he heard. And as he described it, Ben sounded so sure and with conviction. After that, Denz told everyone in LNCC and as usual, somebody made the group happy. The good news is that they all got a job offer.

In their training days in that call center, they discussed the one of the most important aspect of customer service as a technical support agent. Because may it be technical or not, it is still customer service. EMPATHY.

SCENARIO: Role playing. A girl was crying and Ben is supposed to console her. The girl was a good actress, tears and all. Then Ben went to her. Sit beside her. And delivered his lines.

Ben: Oh... What's wrong with you?

Well, Ching and Denz can't move on with this so again, they told us about this story. As a result, Ben is again the LNCC's flavor of the month for laughter.

We still had a lot more of these stuff but I can't seem to remember. What I know is that everytime we see each other, there would always be a new Stop Me Moment. And we got used with the teasing and being flavor of the month.

Maybe I'll post the rest next time.

_____

Since he is the star of this blog or most of the part is about him, I just want to greet Benedict (Be-ne-dict) a happy birthday. You will always be my first son-in-law. Thank you for being a very good friend in all aspect. You are a blessing to everyone. Certified sound board. One of the people with a pure heart that I know.

Happy Birthday again my son!

From your mother. :D

The Late Night Caffeine Chorale

2009-02-11T01:12:00.000-08:00

Just in case you didn't know, my friends and I have a small singing group. A very small group actually.

No violent reactions please but yes, I do sing. Not really a good one though.

We were members of the Ramon Magsaysay Cubao High School Concert Choir. Undergoing severe artistic and emotional training, RMCHSCC won in almost all of the high school choral competition. In this group, we were thought how to "think high and sing high" and to know if we are "flat" (singing lower than the indicated note) or "sharp" (singing higher than the indicated note). Emotional training in the sense that each and everyone of us has been a bit humialated and "destructively" criticized infront of each other and even the alumni members.

Having the passion for singing, Kuya Glenn, Denz, Ben, Solad, Ching, Prime, Nica, Stephen, Ate Love and I decided to start an emsemble. Over our favorite drink at that time, coke, we started to conceptualize our group talking from 9pm up to 5am. This became a routine for several days. Talking and conceptualizing over coke. So we decided to call our group "Late Night Coke Club."

Having no work at that time, we stayed late at night, usually at Denz's place in Munoz singing, talking, playing charades and "no yawning" game. Then there was no coke at that time so we were offered coffee. This, again, became a routine. Then we suggested to call our group Late Night Coffee Club. Denz reacted because it will be unfair. "Why?" we asked. Then he revealed his deepest, darkest secret: He doesn't drink coffee.

We thought about the name for the nth time... Coffee...Coke...Coffee...Coke...Coffee...Coke...

What do they have in common?

CAFFEINE! That's it. Caffeine. From then on, we are called the Late Night Caffeine Chorale.

And there was also one time when all of us was working in call centers so we also called ourselves the Late Night Call Center people.

We did sing in almost every gig that each and everyone may think of. Like what I always say, we sing in KBL: Kasal, Binyag, Libing. Yes. :D We also sang at a TV mass before (we'll it is not really a very popular channel), CMLI Voices in Harmony meeting, etc.

The other night, we had a gig. Having only four of us (since Glenn had to go home early), our Boombasting Bass Denz, Top-of-the-Bar Tenor Ben, Siren Soprano Cynthia, and yours truly as the alto, we sang my choral adaptation of Forevermore (The Company version) and I Will Be Here (arranged by Christopher Borela of the Philippine Madrigal Singers). Well, we love the outcome. And I'm glad that our audiences did too. :D

What I love about singing with these people is that we do blend well. Having no grudges at each other and enjoying each others' company. We clarified it in the beginning that if ever some of us will have misunderstandings, it must be settled right away because anger or guilt will affect our craft. This is what i like about this group. Being friends for more than 10 years now, we knew each other well enough to accept our differences and rebuke our bad sides.

To the LNCC, this is for us. If my memory serves me right, we are going to celebrate our 4th year anniversary on the 24th of this month. Thank you guys because you sing well and are good friends to me.

KUDOS. ENCORE. BRAVO.

Let me just post this video made by Glenn for our first year anniversary.

In fairness guys, kapayatan days pa natin to. At nandito pa sila Mushu, Cuycuy, at ang Uno Stacko. :D

Bargained Wishes

2009-01-31T21:34:00.000-08:00

I really had a good cry last night. Maybe it's the mood but I also realized that if the most sensitive part of my heart is touched, I would really burst into tears...

Thinking about you made me cry. I would like to do anything and everything to help so I have bargained a wish for you.

Realizing the things that you've been going through moved me to bargain a wish. I did this a lot of times and for you, I will never hesitate to do that again.

For you whom I love dearly. I don't give a d**n about the consequences as long as you will be happy. Doing the things that you love to do, loving him... and not loving me return.

For you have helped me in many ways, you have given me another perspective when you are still in our home. With you, I can be myself. With you, I can be matured. With you, I feel loved even though it is not a romantic love. With you, I was able to feel how to love again without expecting anything in return. With you, I'm alive. You can make a lot of changes to other people. Changes that I feel everytime I'm with you.

With God being my judge and stars as my witnesses, I bargained my wish for you. If I need to shed blood of tears to God for it to happen, I will do it without hesitation. If I have to lose something for you to get it, I will let that thing go. I will forget my own happiness for you...in order for you to be happy.

You will always be in my heart even if I lose my ability. My heart will always remember you.

Who Did It?

2009-01-28T06:26:00.000-08:00

As I was browsing the net, I stumbled upon this question about the the death of Jenny Schecter in the tv series "The L word."

Just for a breather, I chose my suspect. I think Shane did it after what she and Jenny had been through. Jenny said that she fell in love with Shane but I think it's just her plot to have her revenge against Shane.

I think Shane might have "accidentally" killed Jenny.

I think Shane killed Jennygreat free widgetsWidgetbox

I just hope that Jenny killed herself. I was shocked also because Tina is one of the suspects. Well, the crime happened at their place so she could be the killer. I hope not...

Oh well, just for the sake of blogging. Hee hee!

It remains a mystery...

Who killed Jenny Schecter?

Ano ang Mayroon sa Numerong Anim

2009-01-14T18:51:00.000-08:00

Anim na taon mula nang kami ay iyong nilisan. Parang ihip ng hangin na kay bilis dumaan ang panahon.

Anim. Ang numerong anim. Ngayon ko lang naisip na ang numerong ito ay napakaraming koneksyon sa buhay ko.

Alas-sais ng umaga nang maramdaman mo ang paghilab ng iyong sinapupunan at ako ay nailuwal mo sa ikaanim na buwan ng taon.

Anim na taon ako nung una akong nakatanggap ng medalya na labis mong ikinaligaya. Ipinagmalaki sa lahat ng kaibigan at kakilala. Sinabi mong napakasaya mo dahil sukli ko ito sa lahat ng iyong pagod para lang mabigyan ako nang maayos na edukasyon.

Sa pagtatapos ko sa ikaanim na baitang, sinabi mo na napagod ka sa pag-akyat sa entablado para sabitan ako ng medalya. Muli kang natuwa dahil sa pagsisikap na ginawa ko.

Pagkaraan ng anim na taon mula nung magtapos ako ng elementarya ay pinilit mong ipagdiwang ang aking ikalabing-walong kaarawan. Pinagplanuhan. Pinaganda. Ginastusan. Hindi alintana ang pagod sa pagtitinda sa bangketa sa kahabaan ng EDSA para lang maganap ito at maibigay ang anumang luho ko sa abot ng iyong makakaya.

Ikaanim ng Setyembre 2002 nang malaman natin ang nakagigimbal na balita. Sinong mag-aakala na ang parte ng iyong katawan na naging isa sa mga elemento upang ako ay mabuo at mabigyan ng buhay ay siya rin palang magpapahirap sa iyo sa loob ng ilang buwan.

Unti-unti kong nakitang lumaki ang iyong tiyan ngunit lubha namang bumagsak ang iyong katawan. Hindi makakain nang maayos bagamat maraming handa sa araw ng iyong kaarawan,

Hindi na maganda ang iyong pakiramdam kaya pinilit mo nang magpadala sa ospital. Doon ko nakita ang iyong paghihirap. Mula sa pagsaksak sayo nang ilang beses ng suwero, paglipat-lipat sayo mula sa higaan papunta sa laboratoryo, ang pagsusuka ng pinakagusto mong gatas dahil sa napupuno na ng tubig ang iyong baga.

Kung puwede ko lang akuin ang lahat ng sakit para ako na lang ang maghirap. Hindi ikaw na isang napakabuting tao. Halos lumuha ako ng dugo para lang ipakiusap sa Diyos na maging maayos na ang pakiramdam mo.

Ikaanim na araw ng iyong pananatili sa ospital ay tuluyan ka nang ginupo ng iyong karamdaman. Kaya pala wala akong ganang pumasok at mas ninais na maglamyerda sa kung saan. Hindi makatulog kaya ginawan ka na lang ng kalatas, nagsasabi na magpagaling ka na at nang makasama na kitang kumain ng mga gusto nating pagkain. Na naramdaman ko ang yakap mo sa unti-unting pagsikat ng araw.

Namamaalam ka na pala...

At natanggap ko ang tawag sa telepono na nagbabalita na wala ka na. At wala ako sa tabi mo nung lumisan ka.

Nakita kita sa ating bahay. Nakahiga. Walang buhay. Mas gusto kong nakikita kang maagang binibistahan ang iyong munting kabuhayan sa madaling-araw. Ang makita ang ngiti mo sa tuwing manghihingi ako ng baon. Masulyapan ang galit na unti-unting nawawala kapag nakikita mo akong dumarating sa ating tahanan nang ligtas. Patuloy kong ikinakaila na ikaw yan. Hindi…

Pero naisip ko rin na panahon na rin talaga siguro na magpahinga ka na. Marami ka nang paghihirap na naranasan. Hindi lang dahil sa akin kundi maging dahil sa ibang tao.

Huwag kang mag-alala sapagkat maayos naman ako. Nakabangon na ako sa tulong ng mga taong nakapaligid sa akin na ibinigay ng Diyos. Mahal talaga ako ng Diyos dahil kahit wala ka na ay may mga taong pumalit para magbigay kasiyahan sa akin habang patuloy akong nababago. Marami akong natututunan sa araw-araw. Hindi na ako nalulugmok sa putikan ng kalungkutan sapagkat unti-unti akong iniahon ng Diyos.

Alam kong dinalaw mo ako sa aking pagkakahimbing nung Enero 13, 2009. Hindi kasi kita nadalaw. Bilang pagpapaalala na anim na taon na mula nang ikaw ay tuluyang namaalam.

Para sayo, aking ina. Lagi ka pa ring dumadalaw sa isipan ko at patuloy kang mananatili sa puso ko. Salamat sa pagmamahal na iyong ibinigay. Sa pagbuhay sa akin. Sa pag-unawa sa lahat. Mahal din kita. Nakapanghihinayang na hindi ako nagpakasirang plaka para sabihin sayo ang mga katagang yan.

Umpisa ng panibagong taon para sakin…nang wala ka.

Mama died of ovarian cancer with complications of thyroid problems (goiter). I was 19 years old then.

I will always love you Mama. Cheers to us and to our favorite drink *raises a goblet filled with coke*

Knowing the Casts Better

2009-01-07T04:50:00.000-08:00

Just for fun, I decided to create a psychiatric report for me and my housemates since we call the apartment as a "rehab center." It's about time for us to know the casts.

Substance in the System and Experimentation:
ALCOHOL: Started drinking at age 17. Drinks and binges occasionally.
MARIJUANA: Tried it once in college but “didn’t get into my system.” Never used it again after that.
TOBACCO: Smokes one-half pack per day

Family Issues: Father aged 43. Mother aged 47 with anxiety, “paranoid” at times, and smokes heavily. Reports a maternal grandfather who is an alcoholic and died due to alcoholism. Maternal grandmother who died of kidney failure. Maternal uncle who is a drug abuser, “schizoid”, and committed suicide. Maternal aunt who is autistic and has speech problems.

Social Life:
Born and raised in Parañaque. Currently living in Quezon City. Number one of three children. She stopped high school for a year due to lack of money at that time but was able to continue her studies. Finished college at the state university and is currently a writer. Mother was a career woman but decided to be a stay-at-home mom after several years of marriage. She states that in the past, they experienced very tough financial problems and they just “read books and drank water the whole day.” She went to show business when she was younger. She was an actress but decided not to continue because she felt that “I am becoming dumb because I don’t read books anymore.” Had some relationships but those lasted for only two years per relationship. She had a boyfriend who is a substance abuser. One significant problem in this relationship was her boyfriend’s mother not treating her well. This boyfriend’s family is rich having a doctor mom and a corporate dad. She has some typical mood swings because she is an artist. She has never been married and does not have any children. She states that she is often misunderstood because of her outlook in life. She is very kind to the point that she would rather be hurt than the others or at least make the situation lighter for other people. She would go out once in a while to have a good time with friends. She really wants to be independent and that was her dream for a very long time.

Past Sickness:
Leukemia, Pneumonia, amoebiasis, urinary tract infection, and back pains.

Mental Test: This 25-year-old petite, well-nourished female is cooperative with the exam. Appears young than her age. Judgment and insight are good. Speech is within normal limits. No mind racing. No delusional thinking or suicidal ideation. Concentration and memory intact. Alert and affect is open.

Substance in the System and Experimentation:
ALCOHOL: Got her first drink of beer at age 5. Drinks occasionally (but considers everyday as Christmas Day). Previously a hard drinker but after “throwing seven times in one night because of Gin Premium” learned to be a beer drinker. Drinks two beers every other night because she “wants to conquer two beer towers.” Denies alcoholism.
MARIJUANA: Tried marijuana once with choir mates but “didn’t get into my system and didn’t try it again.”
COUGH SYRUP: Also states that she likes drinking cough syrups even if she does not have any cough. Denies addiction.
INHALANTS: States that she likes inhaling menthol rubs, nail polish, and whiteboard markers (the brand should be Pilot because it smells nice). Denies addiction.
STIMULANTS: Started drinking soda at age 2 and would drink 500 ml of coke a day. No she drinks softdrinks in the morning even with an empty stomach and can drink up to 2 liters of coke a day. Denies addiction to caffeine.
TOBACCO: Smokes approximately one-half pack per day or more depending on her mood. Sometimes she does not smoke at all but when depressed, she would “chain” on tobacco.

Family Issues:
Father is 59 years old and had a heart attack. Mother died at age 54 due to ovarian cancer with complications of goiter. Her aunts and uncles at the maternal side have hypertension. A maternal uncle with diabetes, aunt who suffered from nervous breakdown. States that on her paternal sides, some aunts and uncles who have lung problems and diabetes.

Social Life:
Born and raised in Cubao. Currently lives in V. Luna. She was not a very sociable person when she was young. Prefers to stay at home and watch television. She states that her mom was very busy with their small business so she spent studying by herself. Has a little grudge towards her dad because “he is not working.” She loves her mom more than her dad that is why she suffered major depression after her death and was not taking school seriously but is passing her subjects. Goes to the university without taking a bath most of the time, wearing basketball shorts, black shirt, and slippers. Does not really take care of herself. At this point she started to develop suicidal thoughts and severe depression. Also states her confidence and self-esteem level was “six feet below the ground.” She never finished college due to financial problems. Her life changed when she lived with a friend and her family. They helped her to gain her confidence and self-esteem back, take care of herself like staying clean “even if you have nothing.” Her life had a “180 degree turn.” When she moved out of the house, she tried to keep in mind the lessons that she learned from them. After a vehicular accident, she decided to stay at home and work as a medical transcriptionist through the help of friend. She has had no relationship after she and her foreigner boyfriend broke up. Now, she is hesitant to have a family because “my experience with my dad is not that good and I don’t want my child to feel the same way as I did.” For now, she has her friends as source of happiness. Mood swing is somewhat evident as well.

Past Sickness:
Heart murmur, urinary tract infection, severe gastitis, severe wounds that takes a long time to heal when she was a child.

Mental Test:
This is an overweight 24-year-old female who appears older than her age. Alert. Concentration and memory intact. Attention span is somewhat decreased. Not comfortable in making eye contacts. Fair judgement. Poor insight. Having a hard time expressing her thoughts. Abstract thinking is not that evident. Speech is somewhat under productive and slurred at times.

Substance in the System and Experimentation:
ALCOHOL: Drinks one to two beers per night out. States that “I’m too lazy when it comes to drinking" but also states that "mixing Sting with Red Horse tastes good."
TOBACCO: Smoked cigarettes before but she stopped because of some respiratory issues. Avoids cigaretted smokes because "it's giving me headaches."

Family Issues:
Family history is unknown.

Social Life:
Born in La Union. Raised and currently living in V. Luna, Quezon City. Finished college and currently works as a graphic artist and has several “rakets” on the side. Usually snob and hard to please at first. She decided to live alone and have some space for herself. She likes to live alone before but now she is comfortable with her housemates and she is even looking for them when she is not around. Also has mood swings because she is also an artist, being OC at times and will not talk to anyone but if she is "in the mood," she will talk, joke around, and laugh. With further exploration and questioning, it seems that for now, she is not ready to get married yet. She has never been married, has no children. Currently is in a relationship. Reads the Bible everyday, does quiet times, and goes to church every Sunday indicating a very devoted Christian. She is also good in giving advices to those who will need them. Has a rather strong personality.

Past Sickness:
Heart burn asthmatic bronchitis due to smoke, hearing impairment.

Legal Issues:
No major legal issues aside from a minor “baranggay” problem. Luckily, she may be able to get a baranggay clearance this year.

Mental Test:
This is a well-nourished 28-year-old female who appears her age. Alert. Concentration and memory intact. Judgement and insight are good. No suicidal or homicidal thoughts. Mild hearing impairment is evident. With several episodes of obsessive compulsive behaviors. Abstract thinking is present.

DIAGNOSTIC IMPRESSION: These three females are completely normal and psychiatrically stable. They may have different personalities but are able to get along with each other. They have shared several insights and matures everyday. They are sometimes misunderstood but they have their points. Their apartment and friendship are open grounds where they can say their thoughts and opinions. They are open for everything. They have their dreams that are big enough for everyone to share.

In fact, pretty open...

See how open they are?

There would be more of these ladies from here on. This is just the beginning.
Cheers to this one heck of a friendship. =P

The Dream, the Stage Fright, and I

2009-01-05T17:07:00.000-08:00

Siyam na taon na ang nakalipas mula nang magsulat ako tungkol sa aking buhay at mga pangarap. Alam kong hindi rin naman magaganap ang mga ito. Na patuloy itong malilibing sa mga pahina ng aking isinulat o mananatiling nakatago lamang sa hard disk ng aking computer.

Ngunit isang gabi ay nangyari ang hindi ko inaasahan…

Sa kalagitnaan ng pag-inom namin ng alak ay biglang nagkatuksuhan kung sinu-sino ang may kaarawan. Sa isang iglap, ang pangalan ko ay naging Lei at iyong gabing yon ay gabi ng aking “kaarawan.”

Nagkakantiyawan. Dapat daw kumanta kasi kaarawan ko. Pinalipas ko ang pangangantiyaw. Sinabi ko kay Auj na sana may kasama akong kumanta. Sabi niya puwede raw. “Sige, Cruisin’ ang kantahin natin.”

Hanggang sa dumating ulit ang pagkakataon. Kinantiyawan na ulit kami. Sabi ko kung puwede duet. Pumayag naman.

Umakyat na kami sa entablado. Tumugtog na ang banda at parang mabibingi ako hindi dahil sa musika kundi dahil sa lakas ng tibok ng puso ko.

Maraming pumapasok sa isip ko. Sabi ko “Paano to? Ako pa naman ang unang papasok sa kanta. Paano kung mapaaga ang pasok ko? Paano kung wala sa tono? Paano kung di ko mai-blend nang maayos?”

Well, sabi ko na lang, nandito na to. Bahala na si Lord…

At kumanta na nga ako ng parte ko. Kumanta na rin si Auj. Maganda ang umpisa. Ayos sabi ko sa sarili ko.

Tuloy lang ang pagkanta.

At dahil unang beses kong kumanta sa entablado nang hindi bilang isang miyembro ng choir, alangan ako kung saan ako titingin. Walang tagakumpas eh. Pero dahil gawain ko naman na tumingin sa kasama kong kumakanta eh di kay Auj na lang ako madalas tumitingin.

Sa kalagitnaan ng kanta ay lumapit sa amin ang isang waiter at nag-abot sa amin ng request. Sinabi namin na hindi kami ang banda.

Natapos ang kanta at maganda ang kinalabasan. Kinuwento ko kay Auj na pinangarap ko ito noon. Nasabi rin niya na two in one pa yon. Natupad na ang pangarap, na-conquer pa ang stage fright.

Naisulat ko noon na nasa isang bar kami tapos nagkakantiyawan na kumanta kami ng bestfriend ko sa entablado. See? Naganap na nga.

Napakagandang karanasan. Sino ang makakapagsabi na ang isa sa mga naisulat ko noon ay magiging katotohanan pala. At napagkamalan pa kaming banda. =D

Puwede na bang pang-emo na band? =P

Salamat sa napakasayang gabi Ces,Nel, at Auj. =P

And the Coping with Embarrassment Theory is Back...

2009-01-04T02:53:00.000-08:00

Kung nabasa niyo ang isang blog ko two years ago, sigurado akong nabasa niyo roon ang teorya ko tungkol sa ano ang pinagdadaanan ng isang tao pagkatapos ang isang nakakahiyang pangyayari sa kanyang buhay.

Well, heto akong muli para isulat ang tungkol sa teoryang yon. Bakit? Ha! Bahala kayong mag-isip... =P

Stages:

1. Denial - Ito ay kung saan sinasabi ng taong napahiya ang mga katagang "Hindi! Hindi ito nangyari!" Hindi lubos maisip kung bakit iyon nangyari pero pumapasok sa ideya ang ilang mga bagay na sana ay nagawa para makontrol ito. Dito rin pumapasok ang mga salitang "Sana...para hindi nangyari" o "Kung ganito nalang...hindi na yon nangyari."
Physical Manifestations: Ang taong napahiya ay natutulala, malalim ang iniisip, saka hihinga ng malalim sabay ang pagpilig ng ulo.

2. Anger - Dito nagagalit ang taong napahiya dahil sa kahihiyang natamo. Dito rin lumalabas ang pagiging masokista sa pamamagitan ng pananakit sa sarili kapag naaalala ang pangyayaring yon. Kapag nakarinig din ng biro ay mabilis magpanting ang tainga at lumalabas din ang pagiging sadista paminsan-minsan.
Physical Manifestations: Ang taong ito ay madalas na makikitang sinasapok ang sariling ulo para makalimutan ang pangyayari. Na parang makakabalik siya sa panahon upang maisalba ang sarili sa kahihiyan. Kung hindi man sa sarili ay nagagawa nitong magbato ng mga gamit kaya mag-ingat-ingat ang mga gustong mang-asar. Homicidal tendencies evident.

3. Depression - Ang stage kung kailan napapaiyak na lang ang taong napahiya kasi hindi na niya maibalik ang mga naganap. Hindi na niya maisasalba ang kanyang sarili. Dito mas tumitindi ang paninisi sa sarili dahil wala siyang nagawa para makontrol ito.
Physical Manifestations: Dito ay mas nagiging tahimik ang taong napahiya, unti-unting pumapatak ang luha habang patuloy na nakatingin sa kawalan. At maya-maya ay posibleng masundan ng hagulhol depende sa antas ng pagkapahiya.

4. Rationazization - Dito na pumapasok ang pagpapaliwanag sa sarili na bawat tao ay may nakakahiyang pangyayari. Na hindi lang siya nag-iisa at posible pang mas malala kaysa sa naeksperyensiya niya. Dito ay paulit-ulit niya yong sinasabi sa sarili na parang sirang plaka para papaniwalain ang sarili sa loob ng limang minuto tapos uuliting muli ang proseso.
Physical Manifestations: Ang taong ito ay paulit-ulit na sasabihin sa sarili na "Lahat ng tao ay pinagdadaanan yon...si ganito nga eh..." Tapos unti-unting magtatanong sa ilang mga kakilala kung naramdaman na rin nila ang pagkakapahiyang yon. Tapos sa loob ng ilang minuto, muli nilang sasabihin ang parehong mga kataga "Lahat ng tao ay pinagdadaanan yon...si ganito nga eh..."

5. Thought Diversion - Dito lumalabas ang mga ritwales na puwedeng gawin para lang makalimot at patawarin ang sarili. Lahat, as in lahat. Puwede kasing masabi na kapag ginawa ang mga bagay na ito ay unti-unti ring mawawala ang pangyayari.
Physical Manifestations: Kumakanta kapag dumadalaw ang multo ng nakakahiyang pangyayari. Tapos unti-unting lumalakas ang kanta kapag ayaw umalis. Isa pa sa puwedeng gawin ay isulat sa papel ang pangyayari tapos ay sunugin ito, pagsunog sa alaala.

6. Acceptance - Ito na ang pinakahuling stage kung saan wala nang magawa ang taong napahiya kundi ang tanggapin na nangyari ito at magpatuloy sa buhay. Tanggapin ang lahat ng pang-aasar at hayaan na lang itong lumabas sa kabilang tainga.
Physical Manifestations: Sumasakay sa pang-aasar. NR (no reaction). Ginagawa ang lahat para makangiti. Hinahayaan na ang mga pang-aasar.

Ito ang teorya ko tungkol sa pagbangon mula sa pagkapahiya. Lahat ng tao ay nagdadaan sa mga bagay-bagay na maski sila ay hindi maipaliwanag kung bakit nangyari. Ang mahalaga eh naraanan mo rin ang daan na yon at nasasaiyo na lang kung babalikan mo pa o kung itulot ng pagkakataon na madaanan mong muli.

Saang stage na ako? hehe! =P

testing

2009-01-02T20:31:00.000-08:00

synchronization testing...

new year, new testing. bwahaha!

Sa Katotohanan at sa Pangarap

2008-12-25T01:08:00.000-08:00

Ginusto mo akong makita pero hindi hinayaan ng pagkakataon...

Ginusto kong marinig ang boses mo pero hindi pa rin pinagbigyan ng panahon...

Pinilit kong isipin kung paano magagawang posible ang mga bagay ng gusto natin pero pinagkaitan na ako ng dagdag na paraan...

Ano pa kaya ang mayroon?

Hanggang sa ako ay dalawin ng antok at makatulog. Ang iyong imahe ang dumalaw sa aking pagkakahimbing. Lubhang saya ang aking naramdaman.

Dinalaw mo ako sa aking bahay kasama ang iyong dalawang kerubin. Napakasaya ko dahil naramdaman kong masaya ka rin na makita ako.

Pero bigla rin akong nagising sa katotohanan...

Alas-diyes na ng umaga at panaginip lang ang lahat...

Little Miss Sunshine

2008-12-11T18:48:00.000-08:00

Little Miss Sunshine is a story about a family who spent the weekend driving to California so Olive (Abigail Breslin) can join the beauty pageant of the same title.

Let me just introduce the characters. Richard (Greg Kinnear) is a motivational writer and speaker who wants to sell his ideas on “how to become a winner”. Sheryl (Toni Collette) is the mom who supports this family. Frank (Steve Carell) is Sheryl’s gay brother who just went out of the hospital due to depression and suicidal attempt who was going to be looked after by Dwayne (Paul Dano), a teenager who made a vow of silence so he will be granted his one wish: to join the air force academy and fly jets. To join this eccentric family is Edwin (Alan Arkin), the grandfather who gives “pretty good” advices to his grandchildren. He is also the one who coached Olive for Little Miss Sunshine.

When Olive got the call about Little Miss Sunshine, the whole family was forced to drive to California. Along the way, dreams of some family members have been crushed.

Richard’s dream of promoting his motivational ideas will not happen anymore because the idea didn’t sell. Ed died along the way and will not see his granddaughter join the Little Miss Sunshine Competition. Seeing Frank’s ex-boyfriend with his new lover. Dwayne learned that he is color-blind so he can’t fly jets. Dwayne cried to hell because this is his dream and he even did a vow of silence in order to get this. But this dream has been ended just because he cannot identify the color green.

But what’s nice in this family is that even if they know that they can’t attain their dreams at the moment, they still continue driving to help Olive attain her dream of joining Little Miss Sunshine. No bankruptcy, no vehicular issues, no love problems, no depression, or even not even death will stop them to help this kid. This is a screen cap of a scene where Dwayne helped Olive up the road. See? Olive is having a hard time climbing so Dwayne carried her. For me, this symbolizes the family’s effort to help Olive accomplish her dream. Even the scene where the whole family pushes the bus in order for it to run symbolizes their hardships and efforts.

Then the moment came, it was Olive’s time to show her talent. The family was shocked about the dance that she rehearsed. The dance is not appropriate for a kid so some of the audience didn’t like it. But what the family did was they all went to the stage and danced with Olive. They had a really good time. Only two people clapped at what they did. They ended up being invited to the police station and was banned to that contest in California.

Yes, Olive didn’t get the title but they are still contented because they tried. If only these people knew what happened along the way.

The moral of the story, if you want something, do your best to get it. Yes you will fail at times but always remember that it is not the result that matters; it’s the journey that counts. All the heartaches, all the lessons learned along the process. Don’t be afraid to do it. Let me just quote Dwayne and Frank’s conversation:

Dwayne: Sometimes, I just wish I could go to sleep till I was 18 and skip all these crap, high school and everything. Just skip it.

Frank: You know Proust…French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job, unrequited love affairs, gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads but he also is probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare any he gets to the end of his life and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffer, those were the best years of his life. It has made him who he was. All the years that he is happy, you know, total waste so if you’ll sleep until you’re 18 think of the suffering you’re gonna miss…

Dwayne: You know what? Fuck beauty contest. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. You know school, college, and then work? Fuck that! And fuck the air force academy. If I wanna fly, I’ll find a way to fly. I mean you do what you love and fuck the rest.

Nothing should stop you in doing what you want, in attaining your dreams. If you fail, at least you tried and then stand up again.

Abandoned by Mr. Sandman

2008-11-29T23:12:00.000-08:00

Here I am again, still awake. It seems that Mr. Sandman ran out of magical dust to put me into a peaceful slumber.

I have been thinking about you. I haven’t heard from you since I told you about how I feel. Are you shocked? Who won’t be? No text messages from you. No phone calls. Nothing.

Well, it’s okay. Just like what Alfie said “I’m always okay.”

MISSION UPDATE:

MISSION STATUS: CLASSIFIED…
SOLDIER’S STATUS: Still alive. Alert. No suicidal ideation. Concentration and memory intact. Still in touched with reality. Mood is “okay.” Hehe! Breathing still…

Worst Case Scenario Initiated

2008-11-29T23:11:00.000-08:00

Kung nabasa niyo yung nakaraang isinulat ko tungkol worst case scenario, eh di alam niyo na kung ano ang gumugulo sa akin.

Well guess what? Nasabi ko na sa kanya. Pero hindi katulad ng naisulat ko. Nakatipid ako dahil sa cellphone ko lang sinabi.

Tumawag siya. Pagkatapos ng ilang paunang mga salita.

Balbs: Alam mo ba kung bakit rin kami nagpunta sa bar?
…: Ano?
Balbs: Kasi kino-coach ako ng mga kaibigan ko. Wala naman daw mawawala kung sasabihin ko kaya sasabihin ko na.
…: Ano yon?

Parehong pakiramdam pa rin sa nauna kong sinulat.

Balbs: May ideya ka ba kung ano ang sasabihin ko.
…: Parang oo.
Balbs: Torpe raw kasi yung manok nila.
…: Ano?! Anong ibig sabihin non?
Balbs: (naiiyak sa kaba) Alam mo na yung nararamdaman ko…
…: Na ano? Na love mo ako?
Balbs: (nakahinga nang maluwag) Yes! Buti nalang. Hindi ko masabi kasi alam mo naman yung iba nag-iiwasan kapag may ganitong sitwasyon. At wala rin naming mawawala kasi may asawa ka na.
…: Ah oo. Ano ka ba? Walang magbabago. Magkaibigan pa rin tayo.

Umiyak yung bata sa kabilang linya. Buti na lang. Pinaasikaso ko na lang muna sa kanya para tumahan. Naputol na ang usapan.

Pero kahit ganon ang sinabi niya ay parang kinakabahan pa rin ako. Mukhang farewell to you my friend nga ang musikang patutugtugin.

MISSION STATUS: CLASSIFIED…

Fillng the Missing Pieces

2008-11-29T23:04:00.000-08:00

One time I said to a friend that you are lucky because you have your OTL (one true love). Then she said, you have us, your friends.

Then I suddenly came back to my senses? What happened to me? I used to be satisfied with this. If I feel that I am not loved, I would just think of my friends or my family then I’m good again.

Lately, my mind has been fed with the thought of love being different from each other. Love for a partner is different from love of a parent, etc. And if you don’t have one category of love in your life then you are incomplete. Wouldn’t that be enough?

Different or not it all boils down to one major category: They are all love. Yes, they could be different in a way but it is still love and can fill the empty spaces in our lives.

I’m happy with all the love that I am getting now. =)

Thanksgiving Day

2008-11-29T23:02:00.001-08:00

My friends and I went to Quattro bar in Timog last Thursday. That is okay because others don’t have work the next day and for us MTs, it’s Thanksgiving Day in US so we don’t have files to transcribe. Party all night dude.

We ordered our drinks. Then just to make the night a bit interesting, one friend asked a question that is in-line with the occasion: Give five things to be grateful for in our life?

Sounds like a beauty pageant question? Hehe.

So over bottles of beer and muchos (for those who have not been to Quattro: mucho is a big and I mean BIG mug of beer. Remember the old-school thermos? Yes ladies and gentlemen, the thermos that has a wooden cork on top to keep the water hot for a day. Cut that thermos into half or maybe ¾ of its size. Same diameter. That is mucho), we gave our answers. They said that we should give three things which we are thankful for. I heard five so I gave five. Hehe. Hearing impairment due to alcohol.

I am thankful for:
1. Friends who are always there to make me happy and at the same time give me constant reality checks. Thank you guys.
2. A whole week set of clean, sweet smelling clothes.
3. Lots of movies to watch over the weekends.
4. My boss who gave me a cash advance so I can buy a mouse and rat killer. Thanks boss! (well, my old mouse worked again so I just bought a speaker and joystick. And I must not forget the rat killer)
5. Daily good gastronomic experiences courtesy of our friend Ces (special mention ka dito girl!).

And we did share all the things that we should be thankful for. But as I lay on my bed tonight, I realized that there are still many things that I should be thanking God for. Let me just quote from a letter:

He cares about your clothes smelling good as the flowers in spring. He heals your hands tired from His spiritual training washing them clean from the Rivers of Life. He sends you His Word to inspire despite of the constant burdens of everyday. He loves singing with you and listen to you play those white piano keys, as He is honored watching you enjoy His gift. He never fails to provide you with bread and water to nourish your healthy physique and keeps your pocket with enough to muddle through the needs set by this world. He loves you first even before you realized all His efforts of getting your attention.

See? I have a mountain range of reasons to be thankful and words (with my very limited vocabulary and all) may not be enough to acknowledge them all. Thank God for the people in my bubble who are constantly reminding me of these things. Thank God for the ability to love, to care, and to give joy to others in my own simple ways.

Yes. Thank God for Thanksgiving Day.

Thelma and Louise

2008-11-29T22:46:00.000-08:00

Starring Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis

Thelma (Geena Davis) and Louise (Susan Sarandon) are bestfriends. One weekend, Louise asked Thelma if she can go with her on a weekend getaway. Thelma hesitated at first but decided to go anyway. Her husband, Daryl doesn’t care about her anyway.

So they are set. While on the road, Thelma asked Louise if they can stop over somewhere. Louise agreed so they stopped at a bar. We can see their personality on this setting. Louise is protective and observant about the things that are happening around. Always on guard. Not really fond of interacting with other people. Thelma on the other hand is sociable. She was overwhelmed by the attention given to her by a guy in that bar. She liked the attention because back at home, Daryl is not acknowledging her efforts. It seems that she is just a house maid and not a wife.

Thelma drank a lot and this guy danced with her all night. Thelma became dizzy due to excessive liquor intake and too much dancing so they went out to get some air. Outside, the guy tried to rape her. Not successful though because Louise came and pointed a gun (Daryl’s gun which Thelma brought in case of emergency) on his head.

Guy: We were just having some fun

Louise: If a girl is crying like that, she is not having some fun!

More provoking words came out from this guy’s mouth so Louise shot him. They ran away because the cops may arrive soon and charge them of murder.

They were discussing on how to solve this problem while driving. Thelma said that they should go to the police and state that he is raping her and it was just self-defense. Louise doesn’t like the idea because people at the bar saw them dancing cheeks to cheeks all night so no one will believe them that it’s an attempted rape.

On the road, they met J.D. who was a student but later on Thelma learned that he used to rob convenient stores for a living. He even gave Thelma some “pointers” on how to rob a store.

Louise asked some money from her boyfriend, Jimmy, so they can run away to Mexico. Louise handed the money to Thelma but unfortunately J.D. stole the money. Louise was so mad and at the same time frustrated.

With guilt lurking on her, Thelma decided to rob a store so they can have money to go to Mexico. They are fugitives now. And along the road, they did two other crimes locking a police in the car trunk and blowing a fuel truck driven by a pervert driver.

They happened to stop at the Grand Canyon and admire the scenery. Unfortunately, the police surrounded them because they learned that they are going to Mexico. Trapped in the middle of the Grand Canyon and the army of policemen, Louise will still fight rather than to get caught. Thelma said just keep on going then looked at Grand Canyon. Louise was crying and asked her if she was sure about it. Thelma nods with assurance. Louise kissed her and started the engine. They let the car run until they reached the edge of the cliff then they held hands.

How tragic can this movie get?

As I can see here, they are not just running from the law but also from their personal struggles. Louise was running away from her past. She was raped in Texas so she protected Thelma from getting raped too. She wants to go to Mexico without passing through Texas (which is impossible) because it will just remind her of her past. Thelma was also running from her guilt. If it wasn’t for her getting too close with that guy, he will not attempt to rape her and Louise will not kill that guy.

They are also running away from relationships. Thelma doesn’t feel that Daryl loves her (or at least care for her) so she just went away with Louise and gets close to guys that they meet along the way. Louise is also running away from Jimmy because she wants to protect Thelma. Jimmy wants them to get married but Louise is tied up with what happened.

We can also see how their crimes “level up” and so does their change of personality. The way they dress, talk, and think have totally changed after each crime that they did. The most notable is Thelma’s transformation from sweet and sociable woman to a tough fugitive.

The ending really moved me because it is a tough decision: death or being caught. They chose the option where they will still be together. They kept on going. If there are really Thelma and Louise in real life, I know that they are still together and happy with their decision. And I’m sure if they will be given the same situation over and over again, they will still choose to be together.

And for you…
Best friends or not, I know that once in our lives we became like Thelma and Louise. I shall never forget that. And if God will let me choose the people in my life, I will definitely choose you to be a part of it again. You are in my heart…Always.

Images courtesy of www.impawards.com/1991/thelma_and_louise.html, mafrinha.wordpress.com/, and www.univie.ac.at

Wanted: Wisdom

2008-11-16T04:28:00.000-08:00

We know that as human beings, we have lots of questions running through our minds. Questions that we cannot answer even if you have completed a degree in college, whether we graduated with flying colors or just by mere passing. Things that remains a mystery even after doing extensive research, reading mountain ranges of books, or by browsing the internet’s knowledge base.

Let’s face it. There are some questions that can only be answered by wisdom and not just knowledge or intelligence. Intelligence is a bit superficial. Just mere “by-the-book” thing. That is all there is to it. Wisdom on the other hand has a deeper sense. With insight.

And there is only one source of wisdom: God. The Almighty Father. We cannot question His omniscience.

How can we have wisdom anyway? Let me quote from the greatest book ever written by God Himself “If any of you needs wisdom, you should ask God for it.” – James 1:5

We are human beings and we don’t know everything but God does. Let us humbly ask wisdom from Him.

***Blog inspired by Max Lucado’s Grace for the Moment

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And happy birthday to my dear friend whose wisdom is far beyond her young age. May God continue to use you as an instrument in touching other people’s lives. Being God’s vessel for other soul’s filling. Happy birthday Auj! God bless you always. For the Lord and for you! =D

Worst Case Scenario

2008-11-13T01:09:00.000-08:00

Tinawagan kita at sinabi ko na tayo ay magkita sa isang may kamahalang restaurant. Pumayag ka naman.

Dumating ang takdang oras at naroon ako at naghihintay. Pinagpapawisan bagama't malamig ang hatid na hangin ng air-conditioner. Nanginginig ang mga kamay na sumimsim mula sa aking inumin, na para bang ito ay aking mabibitawan. Halos masuka dahil sa kaba na umaabot hanggang sa aking sikmura at ang puso ko ay nasa aking mga lalamunan na para bang gustong kumawala sa aking bibig. Masuyong tinitigan ang dala kong mga bulaklak na aking ibibigay para sayo.

At ayan na nga. Pagsulyap ko sa pinto ay aking nakita ang iyong pigura na lubhang pamilyar sa akin. Ang mala-anghel mong mukha. Ang mga biloy mo na lumitaw nang ngumiti ka sa akin nung makita mo akong naghihintay. Nalungkot ako na baka pagkatapos ng gabing ito ay hindi ko na muling makita ang iyong ngiti.

Lumapit ka sa ating mesa at humalik sa aking pisngi. Tinanong mo kung ano ang okasyon at dito sa lugar na ito tayo nagkita.

"Kumain muna tayo," sagot ko. Dahil baka bigla mo akong iwanan pag sinabi ko agad sayo.

Masaya tayong kumain. Kuwentuhan. Tawanan. Kulitan.

Hanggang sa napansin mo ang mga bulaklak. Ngumiti ka. "O? Para saan yan?"

Ito na ang panahon, wala nang iba pa. Pag pinalampas ko ito ay marahil wala nang magiging kasunod pa.

Inabot ko sa iyo ang bulaklak, hinawakan ang iyong kamay habang hirap na hirap na namutawi sa labi ko ang mga salita.

"Mahal kita. Higit pa sa pagiging isang kaibigan. Hindi ko alam kung paano, kailan, o saan nagsimula. Basta sinasabi ng puso ko na mahal kita."

Biglang napalis ang mga ngiti sa iyong labi. Unti-unting nawala ang biloy na mas nagpatingkad ng iyong kagandahan. Ang mga kilay mo ay unti-unting nagsalubong. Dumaan ang isang nakakabinging katahimikan. Halos dumugo ang tainga ko dahil sa katahimikang patuloy na pumapalahaw sa kapaligiran.

Binanggit ko ang iyong pangalan, "..."

Sumagot ka, "Hindi puwede. Hindi tama. Mahal din naman kita bilang isang kaibigan. Huwag mong gawing kumplikado ang lahat."

Parang hinampas ng nagraragasang tubig mula sa talon ang aking utak. Mas lalo akong nabingi. Halos mapunit ang dibdib ko dahil sa mga narinig. Galit ka nga siguro. Mahigpit kong hinawakan ang baso ng tubig at uminom. Umaasa na mababawasan ang sakit. Pero naging mas masakit ang lahat. Parang sugat na pinaliguan ng alkohol na sobrang hapdi ay hindi ko mapigilan ang pagpatak ng aking mga luha. Kinuha ko ang aking panyo at pinahid ang mga luha na ngayon ay parang batis na hindi tumitigil sa pag-agos.

Inilabas ko ang aking wallet at nagbayad. Hinawakan mo ang aking kamay...

At sinabi mong, "Maging magkaibigan na lang tayo. Mahal ko pa rin siya at hindi ko pa siya makalimutan. Ganito naman tayo nag-umpisa at panatilihin nalang natin na ganito."

Hindi ko masalubong ang iyong mga titig pero mahigpit kong hinawakan ang iyong kamay dahil ito na siguro ang huling pagkakataon na madaop sa iyong malalambot na palad. "Alam mong hindi ako ganon ka-sport pero bigyan mo ako ng panahon na maging mapag-isa at matatanggap ko rin ang lahat."

Tumayo ako. Unti-unting naglakad palayo. Lumingon sa iyo, "At sana pag dumating ang panahon na yon, bukas pa rin ang puso mo para ituring akong isang matalik na kaibigan."

Tuluyan na akong lumabas ng restaurant. Naglakad-lakad sa paligid. Nang bigla kong naalala yung bulaklak na naiwan sa mesa. Bumalik ako para kunin sana. Pero pagkakita ko ay nasa labas na ito malapit sa restaurant at sira-sira na. Parang puso ko na tinapak-tapakan. Hindi ko na mapigilang umiyak. Ang puso ko ay namatay nung gabing yon at maaaring hindi na mabubuhay ka sapagkat kasabay mo itong lumisan...

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At tumugtog ang background music ***Fairwell to you My Friend***

Haha! Background music courtesy of dori and auj. wehehe!

Next songs:
Nag-iisa, Wala Ka Na ni Noel Cabangon
Hindi na ng The Company

Ang sakit pag ganon!

Random Tests

2008-11-10T18:53:00.001-08:00

I was able to answer some online tests while browsing on my friends' blogs. I'll just post the results...

Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate

You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger.
You have a heart of gold and are likely to blog for a cause.
You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you!
A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.

What's" Your Blogging Personality?

You Are Chess

You are brilliant and shrewd. You can often predict what people will do in the future.
You thrive in complex situations. You deal with contradictions well.
You can have many streams of though going on at your mind at once. You keep track of things well.
You are very patient. You have lots of endurance, even when your energy dwindles

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatboardgameareyouquiz/">What Board Game Are You?

You Are The Id

You don't think, you just do. Consequences be damned.
You are driven by pleasure - and you tend to be addicted to excess.
At times, you can be highly reactive. You're always ready for a fight.
You also have a high sex drive, and it's been known to get you in trouble!

Are'>http://www.blogthings.com/areyouidegoorsuperegoquiz/">Are You Id, Ego, or Superego?

Haha! Id pala ang personality ko. di ko man lang alam yun.

Id, n. In Freudian theory, the division of the psyche that is totally unconscious and serves as the source of instinctual impulses and demands for immediate satisfaction of primitive needs.[New Latin (translation of German Es, a special use of es, it, as a psychoanalytic term), from Latin, it.]

**Definition courtesy of Answers.com

- In Freudian psychoanalytic theory, one of the three aspects of the human personality, along with the ego and superego. The id is the source of instinctual impulses such as sex and aggression as well as primitive needs that exist at birth. It is entirely nonrational and functions according to the pleasure-pain principle, seeking immediate fulfillment of its impulses whenever possible. Its working processes are completely unconscious in the adult, but it supplies the energy for conscious mental life, and it plays an especially important role in modes of expression that have a nonrational element, such as the making of art. The primary methods for unmasking its content, according to Sigmund Freud, are dream analysis and free association.

***Definition courtesy of Britannica Concise Encyclopedia

Yo te amo...

2008-11-09T00:07:00.000-08:00

Parang pising nagkabuhol and puso ko dahil sa pag-ibig ko sa iyo. Magulo. Mahirap tanggalin mula sa pagkakabuhol at hindi mapakawalan. Nananatiling nakagapos.

Ang pangalan mo ay isinulat gamit ang tisa sa pisara ng puso ko na habang tumatagal ay mas mahirap burahin. Mabura man ay nagiging mas matingkad ang bakas ng pagkakasulat nito.

Ang pag-ibig ko'y isang piping pumapalahaw sa isang madilim na sulok ng puso ko. Isang bulag na tanging ikaw lang ang hinahanap at nais tingnan. Isang bingi na bagama't hindi nakakarinig ay tanging ang boses mo lang ang gustong pakinggan.

Ito ang pag-ibig ko sa iyo...pag-ibig na hindi masabi pagka't maaaring hindi maging tama sa paningin ng iba at lalo sa paningin mo.

Alam ko na balang-araw, sa tamang panahon at pagkakataon, ay masasabi ko rin ito sa iyo. Sa ngayon ay masaya na ako na mahalin ka nang palihim. Langit ang dulot sa akin ng pagngiti mo. Ang boses mo ang kumukumpleto sa kakulangan ng aking musika. Ang madaop sa iyong mga malalambot na palad ay nagdudulot sa akin ng ibayong lakas upang harapin ang maghapon ng may ngiti sa aking mga labi. Ang pagdating mo ang kumumpleto sa akin.

Mahal kita. Walang salita ang makakapaglarawan ng pag-ibig ko sa iyo.

Tu vives en mi corazon. Yo te amo... Yo te amo... Yo te amo...

Testing...

2008-09-21T23:28:00.000-07:00

Test... Testing my new blog....

Ganyan lang naman ang buhay, puro testing...hehe!

Until my next real post.